On March 14, 2013 I had a horrifying and yet exhilarating experience. Ok, to be honest, the exhilarating part comes and goes and goes more than comes but it does bring hope in its wake when it does come.
I discovered that without a shadow of doubt, I am a wretch. I have not one good thing in me. I don't walk according to the spirit. I think more highly of myself than I ought. I have so much pride and desire to satisfy the flesh. I do not have one redeemable quality in me, my flesh.
When my flesh is offended, I parade around in my stench trying to solicit sympathy and pats on that back that tell me "you're right".
Ugh.
How... how can I be this old and have known God this long and not be so aware of what a mess I am? How?? I am a mess.
I have no fruit. Or maybe I do and I'm so lost in the tree I can't see the fruit. I have desires. Oh yes, I have desires but do I have one single desire that pleases my Creator? A desire that makes Him want to grant it to me?
So, on March 14th. I spent a few hours in my filth. My stench. The shreds of my pride, stirred by the breezes of this revelation, mockingly caressed my face as I sat; my mouth opening and closing like a fish. Like a dying person. Dying.
I was emptied. Emptied. Not one word did I have.
But I didn't feel hopeless. Nor did I feel abandoned. I just sat in it and waited.
Three things I knew without a shadow of a doubt:
1. I am loved
2. I am forgiven
3. God does not lie
Those three things I still know today.
But right now I am not sure of much more. I kind of feel like an idiot. I have no answers for myself let alone for anyone else.
But I do know Who does know all the answers to everything.
I am learning that just spending time with Him, no talking, no demanding, no trying to pray the right prayer, just time spent with Him is worth more than anything else to me. Because spending time with Him, is spending time with Love. With Mercy. With Forgiveness. With Kindness. With Peace. With Healing. With Redemption. With Him. Just Him.
Be Still. Know. He is God.
Still. Know. God.
So simple. And yet, so difficult.
I prefer this emptiness. An emptiness brought to me as a gift from my Lover. I want to love all His gifts. They sometimes come wrapped in joy and laughter and sunshine and sometimes His gifts come wrapped in tears, sorrow, suffering, covered in questions. I want my hands and heart open to accept, with gratitude every Gift He brings to me. Without question. Because His heart is in everything He gives me.
But I will question. And He will answer or not answer. But He will always love me. He will never abandon me.
And in time, I will learn to love every gift He brings me. Emptied, yet so full.
