It was recently brought to my attention that I might possibly be going through a "mid life crisis" a "menopause crisis"; certainly a crisis of some sort. Apparently one of the signs of said crisis is quoting of the scriptures, a lot. And crying.
I had a rough day yesterday so this seemed to ring true for me actually and I wondered if indeed I am going crazy, losing my mind, mid life bonkers, menopause madness, just plain nuts!
After an afternoon of tears and conversations with my husband intermixed with fiercely whispered prayers to God that alternated between demands to Him to keep His word and questions of what exactly is going on here, I collapsed exhausted into bed with little peace, but some contentment.
Awake at 3:33 this morning I allowed my thoughts to wander and float where they wanted but eventually began to anchor them to docks of scriptures.
Signs of a crisis in my life.
The death of my father last December shook my world like nothing else had. It was indeed the largest life quake I've ever experienced, I think if it could have been measured it would have been off the Richter scale. I'm still experiencing the aftershocks, some 6 months later.
God has "put a million, million doors in this world for His love to walk through" and one of the biggest doors was my dad. That door was slammed shut with such finality, the sound of it still reverberates, echoing down the lonely chambers of this broken heart.
And now I've been brought face to face with some questions I have no way of getting around, out of or ignoring; Who do you love? What have you placed your trust in? Who is the source of your joy? Where does your peace come from?
I thought, but I didn't stop to think. I know, but I didn't stop to find out what I know. I trusted, but I didn't stop to see who I was trusting. Like David, "when I felt secure, I said I will never be shaken".
Hebrews says " At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain".
My life has been shaken. What I thought was, wasn't.
Ever tried to stand on ground that isn't solid? Experienced an earthquake? My reaction alternates between being in and out of control of the situation. I spend most of my time trying to balance, find my footing, keep upright. What causes me to do that? Fear of falling. Fear of being crushed by something falling. Because falling hurts. (Being crushed can be deadly!) It's embarrassing and it leaves me exposed and feeling helpless. The main thing I do when I'm on unsolid ground is look for something to hang on to. I look for what is solid, not shaking, secure.
The only thing solid and secure in my life, in the middle of this lifequake, is the eternal, unchanging, solid Word of God. That's it. It is the only thing in my life that cannot be shaken and remains when all else has been shaken and removed. The shakeable is revealed by the shaking. A shake down.
I can give frilly, surface answers all day. But the longer I live, the more I realize how quickly time passes. What looked like years, looking back, now I see were mere minutes. I honestly don't have much time for what is surface and frilly, what can be shaken, what is temporary, what can be shaken, what is fleeting, what can be shaken. The more my world and all that is temporary is shaken, I have 2 choices; allow myself to just let go and be crushed by it all, or hang onto the only solid thing I have and let myself be changed. I choose of course, to shout into the wind, the storm, the rain. Not that I haven't let go a time or 2 and slid around, but with every ounce of faith I've been given, I will get back up and hang on. To His word. Because It. Is. All. I. Have!
If I look and sound fanatical, so be it. If standing on the solid Word of God in the midst of all the insanity and heart ache looks crazy? It's alright by me. I'm in the best company when I'm ok with being "a spectacle to the world, a fool for Christ. ''
My world was rocked, the door was slammed, the sound still echoes, the loneliness is deep, the tears seem endless. But His word remains forever and will forever be my portion, my sanity, my salvation, my strength, my refuge, my restorer.
In Christ and Christ alone, I stand. It may not look like it on the outside, but I'm standing on the solid rock of God's word.
I have not been given a spirit of fear; but I have been given Love, Power and a Sound Mind.
Signs of a crisis? Menopause Madness? Perhaps.
If spouting scripture is a sign of madness and crisis.... I think I'll be here for a long time.
