OBEDIENCE

So, it's been another Christmas. Christmas 2011. This Christmas, my heart was constantly on the verge of tears as I thought about Mary. Mary, so excited, yet so scared to welcome her first baby. She knew it would be a baby boy. There were no ultra sounds, but there was God. When she held Him, when she looked deep in those little dark pools of eyes which reflected not only His soul, but the soul of His Father, did her heart stir with not only joy, but a little fear at what lay ahead for both of them? Did she move through the early days; the cutting teeth, the rashes, the smiles, coos, giggles, with apprehension lacing her joy? She knew, but she didn't know fully. She understood, but not completely. This little boy who had her heart wrapped around His finger, was also the little boy who would engrave her name on His heart as He sacrificed Himself for Her, much in the same way she sacrificed herself for Him. But yet not in the same way at all. She was proud of her little guy. He grew up. He began to reveal Himself as time went on. She was so proud of Him when they went to the wedding of their friends who lived in Cana. The wine ran out; she instinctively (God directed) knew what to do. "Let me tell my Son, He'll take care of this". She was so proud. So sure. He chastised her a little, but allowed her to keep her dignity by honoring her request. He was a good Son, this boy of hers. When whispers and rumors swirled around her ears, she heard and her heart was pierced. She wanted to take this boy and run. Hide Him. Keep Him. But she knew He wasn't really hers to keep. Not hers to hide. But yet He was. And when she saw Him beaten. Her heart was ripped to shreds. When she saw Him on the cross, she didn't see what the crowds saw. They saw a man bleeding, tormented and dying. She saw her little baby boy with the dark eyes staring into hers. She heard the echoes of His first laugh. Heard His little voice call her Mama. She remembered when her kisses dried His tears, and watched as His tears, liquid kisses, promise to heal her heart, and dry her tears. It was all she could do to not run to the cross and try to get Him off. This was her son! Her baby! Leave Him alone! But she knew. Even deeper than her soul, she knew. He belonged to us all. If not for her obedience, maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did. She obeyed. Her heart was broken, but she obeyed. If He could obey, she could too. She did. He did. Oh, how He loves us, all.

Silence

During one Christmas season I woke up to the radio playing Silent Night. As I lay listening to it, I began to think about the word "silent". The day before I had just read Revelation 8:1 which says "When He opened the seventh seal there was silence in heaven for about half an hour"

Silence in Heaven must be deafening.

I thought about silence. I wondered, did heaven hold its breath in complete silence when the Great I Am, the Prince of Peace become the Lamb of God in form of a brand new baby boy?

Did Heaven hover? Did Heaven look in wonder?

I believe heaven was made known through the heavenly host singing to the shepherds, through the stars that blazed with light, through the sheep; through all creation itself as it recognized that the Creator just came through His created to live in His creation. How amazing is that? His tiny eyes opening and seeing a face so familiar and yet so unfamiliar...He saw her before she saw Him. He watched her being knit together in her mother's womb, before He was knit together in her womb.

God blows my mind.

I think heaven waited with bated breath for 33 years while its precious Own walked this earth doing and obeying the will of His Father.

In Matthew 26:53 when Jesus is arrested, He tells Peter, the disciple who cut off the guards ear, "do you think I cannot call on my Father and He will at once put at My disposal more than 12 legions of angels?" When He spoke those words I wonder if heaven was suddenly filled with the sound of infinite whispering as thousands of angels readied themselves, their wings twitching with anticipation and with a readiness to go at just a word from their Creator, God Almighty. Then settling back to silence as Jesus finished His statement; "But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way."

The obedient Lamb of God, determined to obey, sharing the vision of His Father to see scriptures fulfilled. Jesus was not the Lamb until He came to earth to fulfill prophecy. He then became the Lamb of God. The final sacrificial Lamb. YOUR salvation. Behold the Lamb.

Behold Him with silence. Be still for a moment this season, the eve of the day we celebrate His birth. And know.

Knowing

I recently found out that a dear friend has breast cancer. She will undergo surgery soon to remove the breast. Yesterday I found out that it looks like she also has cancer in her lung. When I initially found out she had cancer, I cried. I called her and talked with her and she expressed concern but more about staying down after her surgery, then the surgery itself. That's characteristic of her. She has 3 children including a pre-schooler so she's a busy woman. When I heard the news yesterday about the cancer possibly being elsewhere, I felt like I had been hit in the chest. I wandered out of the room I had been in and upon rounding the corner I saw this friend! My heart gave a leap and I went straight to her and gave her a big hug. She still looks the same, same gorgeous smile, same laugh.No evidence of the small monster C inside of her wreaking it's random havoc on her tissue and cells. She thanked me for the crazy card I had sent her and I told her I was praying and we went our separate ways. After leaving my granddaughter safely in her classroom, I headed home. I just gave in to the sorrow. I began to pray for my friend, for her husband and her children, I prayed for peace, for wisdom, for guidance. The usual things we pray. When I was done, I just fell silent and let my tears express my grief, my sadness about the whole situation. Then I just gave voice to what I wanted to tell God but hadn't, I said "I really wish You'd just heal her". At that very moment in time, I knew He heard. He was right there. The van was silent, but it was a loud silence, full of anticipation of what the response might be. Small things I usually don't hear became more pronounced; the tires on the road sounded sharper, a motorcycle went by me, the sound of it's engine cutting into the silence. He didn't say anything, but He heard me and He let me know He did. I know by faith that God always hears me, His Word says He does. But this was a different experience for me. I knew at that moment in time we were together and He heard me. He didn't say anything and I told Him I didn't expect Him to, He usually doesn't. At least not when I expect Him to. But He heard. I know.

Sorrow

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently and during the course of the conversation she relayed a story to me. One part of her story that really stood out to me was the sorrow her husband expressed, even crying, over something she had done that she deeply regretted. His tears and his sorrow were not for himself, but for her. Because he knows his wife well enough to know the regret of her actions would tear her apart.
This moved me and I thought about it on Sunday morning as I listened to how Judas betrayed Jesus. Jesus bore no malice toward Judas, only sorrow. A 2 fold sorrow to be sure. Part of His sorrow was knowing that Judas would betray Him. After all the time they had spent together, after all Judas had witnessed first hand; the compassion, the justice, the redemption, the healing, Judas would in the end betray Christ. But the other part of His sorrow I think was probably even deeper. He knew Judas would never be able to forgive himself. He knew how deeply the regret of his actions would affect Judas. How in the end Judas would throw the money he had taken in trade for betraying Jesus, back at the priests in rage, anger and self loathing and then later go and take his own life. Was forgiveness available for Judas? Absolutely. Was God's grace still offered to him? Without a doubt. But Judas could not forgive himself. Christ knew, when He said in John 13:27, What you must do, do quickly, that it was the end for Judas. I'm sure there was no anger in His voice when He said those words to Judas, at least not directed at Judas. If there was anger in His voice it was most assuredly directed toward satan who had just entered Judas. But there was sorrow in His voice directed at Judas. Christ was losing one of His own and there was nothing He could do. For the Shepherd, who willingly leaves all His sheep to find the one lost one, this was heartbreaking.

I believe that sorrow remains two-fold today when it comes to us doing wrong. Sin is disobedience. Disobedience hurts the heart of God. When we sin, we know it. There is a sickening feeling of regret and knowing we are wrong. Sometimes we shove that feeling down, we ignore it, we even reason with it, but it remains sin. Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, we acknowledge it and then we ask God to please forgive us and He does, immediately, but then much to His sorrow, we don't forgive ourselves. We mull over it, regret it for a long time, ask God repeatedly for forgiveness. Those actions in themselves can keep us separated from the peace of God and from the friendship with God and from knowing God loves us. Does it separate us from peace, friendship with God and God's love? Not at all, but because we aren't standing by faith on the word of God, because we don't FEEL forgiven, because we have such a hard time forgiving ourselves, we often think we're separated from God. So there is the second part of God's sorrow. He sorrows in watching us struggle. He sorrows in watching us beat ourselves up repeatedly with regret over our actions, actions He has forgiven. He misses us.

Interesting to note that satan only entered Judas when Judas took the bread from Jesus. Judas did have a choice, but in a moment of weakness and greed, he made a choice that separated him from the One who loved him most and ended his life.

Don't let your mistakes separate you from God. Ask for His forgiveness, then by faith, receive it and don't grieve Him or yourself further by living in regret.

Final Week!

Well, I'm finally ready to post my final responses. Took me awhile, but here I is.

On a scale of 1 to 10; how big a part has fear played in my life?

Oh, about a 12, and that's being conservative. I have been fearful since childhood, and am so happy to be given some tools to disarm the enemy. (Oh, I know the scriptures, but haven't trusted that they are for me too! I only thought I was worthy of all the "God hates Divorce" ones and the "unpardonable sin" ones... oh wretched woman am I). What's kind of funny in a sick way is that I seem to have viewed fear as an insurance policy of sorts. If I fear it and keep it at the forefront of my thoughts, it won't happen, or at least I won't be surprised when it does. That sure enough is some pretty crazy thinking, and it sure has wasted a lot of time. But I'm so glad to not only be shown the error of my thinking but to know I'm not alone in it and to be given some other stuff to think about, mostly God.

As I read through this chapter, 3 things resonated with me.
1. On page 324. The paragraph that talks about the enemy. "Once he pinpoints our emotional Achilles' heel, he draws back the bow and aims the poisonous dart straight at it. He figures out what we're most afraid of, and then he taunts us unmercifully with expert marksmanship". I don't like that I've been running around for 46 years looking like a giant ad for Target; a big red target right smack in the middle of my forehead. Thanks for pointing that out Beth because now, armed with that knowledge and the Word/sword of God I will cease to be a target. At least not in fear. God will deal with other things as they come along I'm sure but disarming that one disarms just about everything. I'm so excited about this. (I thought of Droopy when I wrote that, remember him? "I'm so happy" as he never changed that sad droopy expression).

2. Fear is a colossal waste of time. (page 323) This one hurt. I'll bet I've wasted years worrying and being fearful of things that didn't come to pass, or that did but turned out to be nothing significant. I have imagined horrors beyond horrors; deaths or my kids or husband, torturing's of myself or my kids (this one only applies if we're here during tribulation, which I'm still not sure about), losing limbs, going completely deaf, going blind (choosing which will be worse), becoming physically paralyzed, husband will leave me for a young blond with implants, gaining 300 pounds, going insane during menopause (one hears stories you know). You name it, I've imagined it and lived in fear of it. I call it my WCS thinking. (worst case scenario). But I haven't thought it completely through to the other side and how God will take care of me. Of how He will provide the correct amount of grace and strength for each step I take and each decision I make should one of these fears come to pass. I have seen Him do this for me time after time and one would think I would have learned a little something about my beloved Savior by now. And I have, but I have since reading this book, learned a whole lot more about my beloved Savior.
3. The 3rd thing that really stood out to me begins on page 323; "I used to think that the essence of trusting God was trusting that He wouldn't allow my fears to become realities. Without realizing it, I mostly trusted God to do what I told Him. If He didn't, I was thrown for a total loop." I will no longer trust God to do what I want (or don't want) Him to do, I will trust God. Period. I love this!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!
I hear Aretha Franklin's song in my head "Freedom! Freedom! Oh Freedom!!!" Yes Lord, indeed this is Freedom.

The second question asks me to reflect over the journey as a whole, what lasting and of God will I take away from it? Everything I read and learned was totally in line with the Word of God and everything was lasting. I was able to start applying it immediately to my life. Just this past week I had an incident that a couple months ago would have had me firing off a retaliatory email that would have lit the internet on fire on it's way to the recipient. But because of God's mercy and what I've learned, I began to write a response, but won't send it. I've examined why I reacted the way I did and asked God for insight to the heart of the person who sent it and knew He wanted me to tread lightly and go slow because it was a wounded, hurting heart that sent it. Not that I need to do anything for this person, but just know it wouldn't be fair to just fire back. My security is in Christ and nothing can take that from me, this person cannot have my security, and I am clothed with strength and dignity. I don't think the person I am talking about can say the same thing so I need to rest in my security and trust God to handle it all. I mean to trust God. Period.

Week 8

Chapter 13 drained me and got so to the point of things that I was left feeling discouraged wondering how the heck do I even begin to apply all that I am reading and learning!? But then Beth redirected my mind BACK to the Bible, the unshakable word of our loving Creator, where I was reminded that “this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.” 2Cor 4:7 I just need to be willing and have an open heart, He’ll do the work. Whew! But that’s not to say I’m still pondering things, a lot. Like exactly what do I say to God when I pray for someone who repeatedly hurts me, by lying about me and to me and is just plain unkind at times? And she never apologizes even when confronted! Avoidance here can only go so far because this person is also a family member and so I am required to be in her presence a few times a year. What kind of blessing do I pray? I do ask for forgiveness for my attitude but things still hurt. She is an emotional wreck, not so much an emotional predator (and thank you for pointing out the differences). She wears her emotional wreck around her like the cloud of dust that followed Pigpen in the Charlie Brown cartoon, but I’m tired of having her sap me dry when I’m around her. I need practical help here. Please.
Ok, on to this weeks questions.

1). BRIEFLY DESCRIBE SOMEONE WHO IS WORTH DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO YOU TO LIVE ABUNDANTLY AND EFFECTIVELY IN CHRIST.

Well, all my children, but mostly the 2 girls still at home and my darling 4 year old granddaughter. My 23 year old daughter is a mess; emotionally and spiritually and she is that way in spite of everything I tried to do right while bringing her up (including attending and being active in church several times a week, homeschooling her, piano lessons, youth choir, dance, you name it, I did it). She is now the mother of my granddaughter and it scares me. So while I remain in prayer for my daughter, I am active in my granddaughters life as much as I can. I want her to see what it is to live abundantly, what it means to have joy unspeakable, what it means to be secure in Christ. She is 4 years old and is a complete delight and lives every day to go to Sunday School. She will grow up surrounded by healthy aunts and grandparents and she is worth it.

2)HOW AM I PREPARED TO LOOK OUT FOR MY OWN GENDER AND BE PART OF THE SOLUTION IN OUR BATTLE WITH INSECURITIES?

Encourage. When a friend recently shared with me her plans to have a home birth with this baby she’s waited 15 years to have, I congratulated her immediately! She was taken aback by my reaction because she shared that almost everyone she told this to, told her it was a bad idea. I assured her that she is a smart woman capable of making good decisions as is her husband. So, reassuring someone where they are lacking confidence is a good way to be a part of the solution.
I have another friend who for a long time has been having a rough time in her marriage, even on the brink of separation. She is a teacher at a school where I work as well. One day, during what I knew was a particularly hard time in her marriage, I walked by her classroom and heard her singing a worship song with her kids. Tears came to my eyes as I heard her voice lifted in joyous and worshipful testimony that in spite of all the enemy was trying to do to her family, she still loved and was so loved by her Savior. I called her that night and shared that with her and she was so encouraged. So in spite of her insecurities, her life was a testimony to me and she needed to know that.
I’m prepared to encourage even when I don’t know how it will be received.

3).WHAT IS MY PASSION?

One of my passions is to give. To make my time on this earth count in the eyes of eternity. To matter. Instead of a vacation, to go on a mission trip. I was raised on the mission field and watched my mom give of herself to the point where physically there wasn’t much left sometimes, but spiritually,she was always strong. My passion is to leave with my kids what my mom left me with when she died; faith in God. She may not have always been the most compassionate parent, but where she may have at times contributed to my pain, she left me faith in a God who heals all pain, sorrows and more than makes up for sloppy parenting. Immediately after she left this earth, I cradled her head to my chest and through my tears, I thanked her for being a wonderful mom and giving me Jesus. That is my passion, to leave all my children and grandchildren with that same eternal gift. And also, while I’m here on earth, to be very open about my personal changes and growth, to become even more like Christ, transformed in front of my family, living it out in front of them, setting an example, being passionate about my walk with God, my love for Him and His love for me and them as well. I’m sure at about 3:00 AM, which is usually when I have my brilliant moments, I’ll think of something grand and glorious that I could have said, but you have 10:00 AM version and it will just have to do.

Week 7

“That’s New to Me” moment:

I did not know how transparent I am in my insecurities. I find that quite embarrassing.

How does a weak will play into my insecurity?

If I continue to give into my “weak” will (if it’s so weak why is it so strong?) I will continue to be constantly overwhelmed by my insecurities and will never gain ground through God and His word. I am so grateful for Beth's advice on page 257 to repeat ” I am clothed with strength and dignity”. And not just when I need it, but all day long in order to set my mind on truth. So eventually, the strength will be drained from my “weak” will and my will will be God’s will and then “when we decide to be strong willed about what God strongly wills, that, beloved , is the epitome of empowerment”. (page 244) Amen!