Emptied

On March 14, 2013 I had a horrifying and yet exhilarating experience. Ok, to be honest, the exhilarating part comes and goes and goes more than comes but it does bring hope in its wake when it does come.

I discovered that without a shadow of doubt, I am a wretch. I have not one good thing in me. I don't walk according to the spirit. I think more highly of myself than I ought. I have so much pride and desire to satisfy the flesh. I do not have one redeemable quality in me, my flesh.
When my flesh is offended, I parade around in my stench trying to solicit sympathy and pats on that back that tell me "you're right".

Ugh.

How... how can I be this old and have known God this long and not be so aware of what a mess I am? How?? I am a mess.
I have no fruit. Or maybe I do and I'm so lost in the tree I can't see the fruit. I have desires. Oh yes, I have desires but do I have one single desire that pleases my Creator? A desire that makes Him want to grant it to me?

So, on March 14th. I spent a few hours in my filth. My stench. The shreds of my pride, stirred by the breezes of this revelation, mockingly caressed my face as I sat; my mouth opening and closing like a fish. Like a dying person. Dying.

I was emptied. Emptied. Not one word did I have.

But I didn't feel hopeless. Nor did I feel abandoned. I just sat in it and waited.

Three things I knew without a shadow of a doubt:

1. I am loved
2. I am forgiven
3. God does not lie


Those three things I still know today.

But right now I am not sure of much more. I kind of feel like an idiot. I have no answers for myself let alone for anyone else.

But I do know Who does know all the answers to everything.

I am learning that just spending time with Him, no talking, no demanding, no trying to pray the right prayer, just time spent with Him is worth more than anything else to me. Because spending time with Him, is spending time with Love. With Mercy. With Forgiveness. With Kindness. With Peace. With Healing. With Redemption. With Him. Just Him.

Be Still. Know. He is God.

Still. Know. God.

So simple. And yet, so difficult.

I prefer this emptiness. An emptiness brought to me as a gift from my Lover. I want to love all His gifts. They sometimes come wrapped in joy and laughter and sunshine and sometimes His gifts come wrapped in tears, sorrow, suffering, covered in questions. I want my hands and heart open to accept, with gratitude every Gift He brings to me. Without question. Because His heart is in everything He gives me.

But I will question. And He will answer or not answer. But He will always love me. He will never abandon me.

And in time, I will learn to love every gift He brings me. Emptied, yet so full.

Our Love is Easy...

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Who will Comfort Me

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OBEDIENCE

So, it's been another Christmas. Christmas 2011. This Christmas, my heart was constantly on the verge of tears as I thought about Mary. Mary, so excited, yet so scared to welcome her first baby. She knew it would be a baby boy. There were no ultra sounds, but there was God. When she held Him, when she looked deep in those little dark pools of eyes which reflected not only His soul, but the soul of His Father, did her heart stir with not only joy, but a little fear at what lay ahead for both of them? Did she move through the early days; the cutting teeth, the rashes, the smiles, coos, giggles, with apprehension lacing her joy? She knew, but she didn't know fully. She understood, but not completely. This little boy who had her heart wrapped around His finger, was also the little boy who would engrave her name on His heart as He sacrificed Himself for Her, much in the same way she sacrificed herself for Him. But yet not in the same way at all. She was proud of her little guy. He grew up. He began to reveal Himself as time went on. She was so proud of Him when they went to the wedding of their friends who lived in Cana. The wine ran out; she instinctively (God directed) knew what to do. "Let me tell my Son, He'll take care of this". She was so proud. So sure. He chastised her a little, but allowed her to keep her dignity by honoring her request. He was a good Son, this boy of hers. When whispers and rumors swirled around her ears, she heard and her heart was pierced. She wanted to take this boy and run. Hide Him. Keep Him. But she knew He wasn't really hers to keep. Not hers to hide. But yet He was. And when she saw Him beaten. Her heart was ripped to shreds. When she saw Him on the cross, she didn't see what the crowds saw. They saw a man bleeding, tormented and dying. She saw her little baby boy with the dark eyes staring into hers. She heard the echoes of His first laugh. Heard His little voice call her Mama. She remembered when her kisses dried His tears, and watched as His tears, liquid kisses, promise to heal her heart, and dry her tears. It was all she could do to not run to the cross and try to get Him off. This was her son! Her baby! Leave Him alone! But she knew. Even deeper than her soul, she knew. He belonged to us all. If not for her obedience, maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did. She obeyed. Her heart was broken, but she obeyed. If He could obey, she could too. She did. He did. Oh, how He loves us, all.

Silence

During one Christmas season I woke up to the radio playing Silent Night. As I lay listening to it, I began to think about the word "silent". The day before I had just read Revelation 8:1 which says "When He opened the seventh seal there was silence in heaven for about half an hour"

Silence in Heaven must be deafening.

I thought about silence. I wondered, did heaven hold its breath in complete silence when the Great I Am, the Prince of Peace become the Lamb of God in form of a brand new baby boy?

Did Heaven hover? Did Heaven look in wonder?

I believe heaven was made known through the heavenly host singing to the shepherds, through the stars that blazed with light, through the sheep; through all creation itself as it recognized that the Creator just came through His created to live in His creation. How amazing is that? His tiny eyes opening and seeing a face so familiar and yet so unfamiliar...He saw her before she saw Him. He watched her being knit together in her mother's womb, before He was knit together in her womb.

God blows my mind.

I think heaven waited with bated breath for 33 years while its precious Own walked this earth doing and obeying the will of His Father.

In Matthew 26:53 when Jesus is arrested, He tells Peter, the disciple who cut off the guards ear, "do you think I cannot call on my Father and He will at once put at My disposal more than 12 legions of angels?" When He spoke those words I wonder if heaven was suddenly filled with the sound of infinite whispering as thousands of angels readied themselves, their wings twitching with anticipation and with a readiness to go at just a word from their Creator, God Almighty. Then settling back to silence as Jesus finished His statement; "But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way."

The obedient Lamb of God, determined to obey, sharing the vision of His Father to see scriptures fulfilled. Jesus was not the Lamb until He came to earth to fulfill prophecy. He then became the Lamb of God. The final sacrificial Lamb. YOUR salvation. Behold the Lamb.

Behold Him with silence. Be still for a moment this season, the eve of the day we celebrate His birth. And know.

Knowing

I recently found out that a dear friend has breast cancer. She will undergo surgery soon to remove the breast. Yesterday I found out that it looks like she also has cancer in her lung. When I initially found out she had cancer, I cried. I called her and talked with her and she expressed concern but more about staying down after her surgery, then the surgery itself. That's characteristic of her. She has 3 children including a pre-schooler so she's a busy woman. When I heard the news yesterday about the cancer possibly being elsewhere, I felt like I had been hit in the chest. I wandered out of the room I had been in and upon rounding the corner I saw this friend! My heart gave a leap and I went straight to her and gave her a big hug. She still looks the same, same gorgeous smile, same laugh.No evidence of the small monster C inside of her wreaking it's random havoc on her tissue and cells. She thanked me for the crazy card I had sent her and I told her I was praying and we went our separate ways. After leaving my granddaughter safely in her classroom, I headed home. I just gave in to the sorrow. I began to pray for my friend, for her husband and her children, I prayed for peace, for wisdom, for guidance. The usual things we pray. When I was done, I just fell silent and let my tears express my grief, my sadness about the whole situation. Then I just gave voice to what I wanted to tell God but hadn't, I said "I really wish You'd just heal her". At that very moment in time, I knew He heard. He was right there. The van was silent, but it was a loud silence, full of anticipation of what the response might be. Small things I usually don't hear became more pronounced; the tires on the road sounded sharper, a motorcycle went by me, the sound of it's engine cutting into the silence. He didn't say anything, but He heard me and He let me know He did. I know by faith that God always hears me, His Word says He does. But this was a different experience for me. I knew at that moment in time we were together and He heard me. He didn't say anything and I told Him I didn't expect Him to, He usually doesn't. At least not when I expect Him to. But He heard. I know.

Sorrow

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently and during the course of the conversation she relayed a story to me. One part of her story that really stood out to me was the sorrow her husband expressed, even crying, over something she had done that she deeply regretted. His tears and his sorrow were not for himself, but for her. Because he knows his wife well enough to know the regret of her actions would tear her apart.
This moved me and I thought about it on Sunday morning as I listened to how Judas betrayed Jesus. Jesus bore no malice toward Judas, only sorrow. A 2 fold sorrow to be sure. Part of His sorrow was knowing that Judas would betray Him. After all the time they had spent together, after all Judas had witnessed first hand; the compassion, the justice, the redemption, the healing, Judas would in the end betray Christ. But the other part of His sorrow I think was probably even deeper. He knew Judas would never be able to forgive himself. He knew how deeply the regret of his actions would affect Judas. How in the end Judas would throw the money he had taken in trade for betraying Jesus, back at the priests in rage, anger and self loathing and then later go and take his own life. Was forgiveness available for Judas? Absolutely. Was God's grace still offered to him? Without a doubt. But Judas could not forgive himself. Christ knew, when He said in John 13:27, What you must do, do quickly, that it was the end for Judas. I'm sure there was no anger in His voice when He said those words to Judas, at least not directed at Judas. If there was anger in His voice it was most assuredly directed toward satan who had just entered Judas. But there was sorrow in His voice directed at Judas. Christ was losing one of His own and there was nothing He could do. For the Shepherd, who willingly leaves all His sheep to find the one lost one, this was heartbreaking.

I believe that sorrow remains two-fold today when it comes to us doing wrong. Sin is disobedience. Disobedience hurts the heart of God. When we sin, we know it. There is a sickening feeling of regret and knowing we are wrong. Sometimes we shove that feeling down, we ignore it, we even reason with it, but it remains sin. Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, we acknowledge it and then we ask God to please forgive us and He does, immediately, but then much to His sorrow, we don't forgive ourselves. We mull over it, regret it for a long time, ask God repeatedly for forgiveness. Those actions in themselves can keep us separated from the peace of God and from the friendship with God and from knowing God loves us. Does it separate us from peace, friendship with God and God's love? Not at all, but because we aren't standing by faith on the word of God, because we don't FEEL forgiven, because we have such a hard time forgiving ourselves, we often think we're separated from God. So there is the second part of God's sorrow. He sorrows in watching us struggle. He sorrows in watching us beat ourselves up repeatedly with regret over our actions, actions He has forgiven. He misses us.

Interesting to note that satan only entered Judas when Judas took the bread from Jesus. Judas did have a choice, but in a moment of weakness and greed, he made a choice that separated him from the One who loved him most and ended his life.

Don't let your mistakes separate you from God. Ask for His forgiveness, then by faith, receive it and don't grieve Him or yourself further by living in regret.