Week 4- Dignity.

Based on your journey so far in chapters 1-8, list your own personal top three reasons why it's time to deal with your insecurity.

Top 3 reasons why it's time to deal with my insecurity:

A) So I don't have to suck in so hard when I work out at the gym, it's so hard to breathe and nearly impossible to do if I have to go pee; just to become comfortable in my own fitness level and stop mentally comparing myself to others.

B) Because I am going to start teaching my first Zumba class and I need to be secure enough to look at myself in the mirror in order to honestly encourage all those insecure, lovely women (and men) who will take my class.

C) Because God wants me to. He has begun a good work in me, He wants to continue His good work in me and I want to be willing. I want to be obedient because God loves ME and He LOVES obedience.

My insecurity is so largely based on how I think I look, sound, mostly physical things and those insecurities trigger my pride and I find myself mentally slamming others in order to continue to make sure I'm "top dog" (to who?) Oh, I hate this I do so hate it. So yesterday at the gym I worked out with my darling little friend who has a darling little figure but I have no insecurities with her because I just love her to pieces but she said that another girl was going to come in and do weights with us (what? I'm not your only friend?) and was I ok with that. "Oh! of course, no problem!" But as soon as the girl walked in I started to mentally evaluate; mmmhmmm, a little heavy around the middle, legs shaped a little weird, but nice tushy....
WOW!! I cannot wait for that mad mental put down/evaluate cycle to be broken. But you know what I do? I, out loud and to the person, address their body part I feel most insecure about in myself and I tell them honestly, "you have a nice rear" or " you have nice boobs" and 9 times out of 10 they respond with "oh no girl, I need surgery", or just "no I don't". Rarely does anyone just say "thanks". Even the little body builder girl when I tell her she looks fabulous she rolls her eyes and says "oh no I don't". WHAT? She has a frickin' picture of herself hanging in the gym with her all oiled up winning a prize and she still doesn't think she looks fabulous!? I love her shoulders and arms. So shapely, so not mine.

Also based on Chapter 8, what does dignity mean to you?

I don't know what dignity means to me. I can't get my head around that yet. I keep picturing Abraham Lincoln walking all tall and upright and think that is what dignity looks like. I have my heart open to God for help in this. I know it's not pride, but am just not sure what it is, does it have an action?

As I read back through the blogs listed by some of the other women, I came across what dignity meant to one gal who calls herself "Redeemed". (love that). :

"For me, dignity simply means Jesus. He covers me, He loves me, He cherishes me and He values me. I'm a princess! And as a princess, some things are simply beneath my dignity! I'm not talking about serving people or even scrubbing toilets, I'm talking about giving in to the lies the enemy keeps trying to feed me. I don't have to dig through the trash with him anymore. I'm clean. I'm loved".

I've adopted this and it is what dignity means to me too.

Roots of Insecurities & What is God saying to me

WEEK 3.
At one point in my week 3 reading of So Long Insecurities I commented to myself "good Lord, do I have to have them all"? referring to the roots of insecurity. And bless my heart, I do! From birth! Rejected as a baby because I was a girl, I was adopted by a single woman (rare in 1964)who worked full time and I was left in the hands of a very physically abusive Uncle and his timid wife, my aunt. Moved to Kenya at 7 yrs old,attended boarding school (lots more abandonment, bullying, rejection). As a child in Kenya, I was physically punished by my mom for being sexually violated twice, once by a visiting minister whose wife was with him on their visit. We moved back to the States when I was 15, I did my best to fit in everywhere doing whatever it took. I had baby boy out of wedlock and was told by same helpful mom (bless her heart) that no one would want to marry me now, so married Mr. Wrong, suffered more physical and verbal abuse once even going to the hospital because he hit me in the head so hard. I was blessed with 3 beautiful girls and later was mercifully released from that marriage by God. I went on to (by the sheer grace of God) to find and marry the sweetest, kindest man God created.  And after all that, I still have the gall to have lots of pride! I had a minister once tell me after one of my counseling sessions with first husband "I'm surprised you're still a Christian after all you've been through". I said "Are you kidding? Jesus was the only sane one out of the bunch!" And that's the truth.

1. Abuse is one root of my insecurities; verbal, physical, sexual and emotional.

2. "The primal fear that no one will take care of us". (pg 65) is another sizable root. I cannot remember a single time as a child that someone stood up for me, defended, or protected me.

I gained lots of insight about the roots of insecurity, mainly that I have so many and they're in big old knot.
I do love and was so encouraged by Beth's words on page 107; "Pride is one of those roots that God can jerk up in a second, we just have to pry our sweet little fingers loose". And since Pride needs to go before I can see the forest, this is encouraging and even exhilarating.

What is God saying to me during this? That I am loved by my Creator. He not only found a way to save me, He fights to keep me and that is amazing. He is committed to me and nothing can separate me from His love. And I love that Beth pointed out that God uses change to change us. Not to destroy or distract us but to "coax us the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny".THANK YOU!!!!!

And finally, her words on page 102 reaffirmed what I suspected all along; "He not only notices us, He never takes His eyes off us. Every now and then a moment of clarity hits us, and we feel known by something, Someone, of inestimable greatness". and then on page 103, "In the radiance of His greatness, we are made great".
And Psalm 139 just fit in so well.

Journaling on the book; "So Long Insecurities, you've been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore

Omnipotence & Omniscience, the struggle with the 2 of them.

WEEK 6.
My husband accepted Christ as his Savior in 2001. I on the other hand do not remember not knowing Christ. It has been quite a struggle to encourage my husband to "lead" when he's not a leader by nature. The church we attend has no discipleship program So, that left it up to me! But my husband is of a very gentle nature and since I'd already tried the bullying approach and found it to fail miserably, I tried the subtle approach. He was so patient with me ("Sure, we can talk") and always agreeable with what I said ("you're right honey, I should read the Bible more") but never really put anything into action, as far as I could tell. But when things get rough I sometimes get so frustrated and just blurt out "ARE YOU EVEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS? Or am I rowing this worry boat alone"? He always calmly replies, "I am praying. I pray more than you think I do". Which shames me into silence. He's such a Godly example to me of exactly how to rest in God and not worry but because he's not doing it the way I was taught (weeping, wailing, attending church every time the doors are open, tithing, reading the Bible then getting on his knees, praying Psalm 51 out loud) I didn't think he was doing it right. Turns out he is doing it right. Very right. So he is more of a backseat leader. He lets me think I'm leading, but come to find out he never lets go of the reigns. He just lets me think I'm a big girl, driving all by myself, when in reality, I'm sitting on my husband's lap, his hands over mine and our Father's hands over both of ours and I'm so not driving all by myself. Through his gentleness, he has taught me to trust him as he trusts God. And I do leave every final decision to him and it feels good. But back to that omnipotence. It hasn't completely gone away. For example, just a couple of months ago, I bought him a NASCAR Bible! My husband is a big NASCAR and F1 fan so I thought this was perfect! In between chapters there's pictures of race car drivers, fun facts and even some of their testimonies! What better way to get my husband to read the Bible than this? I gave it to him and he accepted it so graciously and flipped through it for a few minutes. He then set it on his side of the headboard where it remains to this day resting comfortably under a box of half eaten Assorted Chocolate Truffles made by the Brigittine Monks in Amity, Oregon. Aside from that initial polite interest it has not been opened since the day I proudly delivered it to him. But I know I have changed a bit, I don't nag about it at all. He's not an idiot, he knows it's there. I have also learned that God Himself is perfectly capable of "disciplining" His own children without my help and He has done a marvelous job with my husband.

I also found omniscience to resonate with me. I have been blessed with a husband of integrity and everything we have is open to each other. Especially those things that could be so easily kept secret. My husband knows my passwords, I know his. If I have a situation where I have run into a friend who is male and we hug and spend a little time visiting, I always tell my husband right away so that if word ever got back to him that his wife was "meeting up with men and chit chatting", he can say "I know, she told me". He also tells me of situations that could come back to me in a wrong way. Being a nice looking man, he's been approached by various women who have asked him to go to dinner, take them fishing (what?) go for walks on breaks at work, etc. I get a little jealous, but prefer to know than not. Honestly, the jealous female in me would like to pull their hair and scratch their eyes out, but the sane female says thank God he was honest enough to tell me. Anyway, all that to say early on in our relationship you couldn't find a more jealous woman than me. It threatened to destroy our relationship. I am guilty of what is mentioned on page 220 of "So Long Insecurity"; " We can insist on knowing more about our mate's past relationships than we end up being able to handle". You are not just whistling Dixie there sister. It wasn't easy to get it out of him either. I had to work on him over and over. I pulled the Delilah scene repeatedly, "you don't love me, if you did you would tell me everything". And cry big old tears. Eventually he did give in and tell me. And it was devastating to me. A deadly combination of my creative imagination and my jealousy, created a bomb that nearly blew our whole relationship sky high. I can remember his voice coming to me through the thick of my storm saying " I told you it would hurt you"! I didn't care. I became so distrustful of him, I checked up on him, I called him at various times, it was so ugly. And this was a relationship that had ended 2 years BEFORE WE MET! How insane is that? Fortunately, I serve a merciful and gracious God who gave me a very patient and loving husband. I made it a goal to pray and pray and pray about this. I had to force my mind not to dwell on it and just trust God and my husband. Over the course of the years, yes years, God did heal my mind. I can't say that the thoughts never come back, or that jealousy doesn't try to come in for a visit, but I can say that when Jealousy and Wrong Thoughts do come knocking, I recognize who it is at the door and I turn to God and say " You answer it". And it works. He is a faithful good God and not only did he bless me with the most wonderful husband on the earth, He helps me keep him. *smile*