WEEK 6.
My husband accepted Christ as his Savior in 2001. I on the other hand do not remember not knowing Christ. It has been quite a struggle to encourage my husband to "lead" when he's not a leader by nature. The church we attend has no discipleship program So, that left it up to me! But my husband is of a very gentle nature and since I'd already tried the bullying approach and found it to fail miserably, I tried the subtle approach. He was so patient with me ("Sure, we can talk") and always agreeable with what I said ("you're right honey, I should read the Bible more") but never really put anything into action, as far as I could tell. But when things get rough I sometimes get so frustrated and just blurt out "ARE YOU EVEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS? Or am I rowing this worry boat alone"? He always calmly replies, "I am praying. I pray more than you think I do". Which shames me into silence. He's such a Godly example to me of exactly how to rest in God and not worry but because he's not doing it the way I was taught (weeping, wailing, attending church every time the doors are open, tithing, reading the Bible then getting on his knees, praying Psalm 51 out loud) I didn't think he was doing it right. Turns out he is doing it right. Very right. So he is more of a backseat leader. He lets me think I'm leading, but come to find out he never lets go of the reigns. He just lets me think I'm a big girl, driving all by myself, when in reality, I'm sitting on my husband's lap, his hands over mine and our Father's hands over both of ours and I'm so not driving all by myself. Through his gentleness, he has taught me to trust him as he trusts God. And I do leave every final decision to him and it feels good. But back to that omnipotence. It hasn't completely gone away. For example, just a couple of months ago, I bought him a NASCAR Bible! My husband is a big NASCAR and F1 fan so I thought this was perfect! In between chapters there's pictures of race car drivers, fun facts and even some of their testimonies! What better way to get my husband to read the Bible than this? I gave it to him and he accepted it so graciously and flipped through it for a few minutes. He then set it on his side of the headboard where it remains to this day resting comfortably under a box of half eaten Assorted Chocolate Truffles made by the Brigittine Monks in Amity, Oregon. Aside from that initial polite interest it has not been opened since the day I proudly delivered it to him. But I know I have changed a bit, I don't nag about it at all. He's not an idiot, he knows it's there. I have also learned that God Himself is perfectly capable of "disciplining" His own children without my help and He has done a marvelous job with my husband.
I also found omniscience to resonate with me. I have been blessed with a husband of integrity and everything we have is open to each other. Especially those things that could be so easily kept secret. My husband knows my passwords, I know his. If I have a situation where I have run into a friend who is male and we hug and spend a little time visiting, I always tell my husband right away so that if word ever got back to him that his wife was "meeting up with men and chit chatting", he can say "I know, she told me". He also tells me of situations that could come back to me in a wrong way. Being a nice looking man, he's been approached by various women who have asked him to go to dinner, take them fishing (what?) go for walks on breaks at work, etc. I get a little jealous, but prefer to know than not. Honestly, the jealous female in me would like to pull their hair and scratch their eyes out, but the sane female says thank God he was honest enough to tell me. Anyway, all that to say early on in our relationship you couldn't find a more jealous woman than me. It threatened to destroy our relationship. I am guilty of what is mentioned on page 220 of "So Long Insecurity"; " We can insist on knowing more about our mate's past relationships than we end up being able to handle". You are not just whistling Dixie there sister. It wasn't easy to get it out of him either. I had to work on him over and over. I pulled the Delilah scene repeatedly, "you don't love me, if you did you would tell me everything". And cry big old tears. Eventually he did give in and tell me. And it was devastating to me. A deadly combination of my creative imagination and my jealousy, created a bomb that nearly blew our whole relationship sky high. I can remember his voice coming to me through the thick of my storm saying " I told you it would hurt you"! I didn't care. I became so distrustful of him, I checked up on him, I called him at various times, it was so ugly. And this was a relationship that had ended 2 years BEFORE WE MET! How insane is that? Fortunately, I serve a merciful and gracious God who gave me a very patient and loving husband. I made it a goal to pray and pray and pray about this. I had to force my mind not to dwell on it and just trust God and my husband. Over the course of the years, yes years, God did heal my mind. I can't say that the thoughts never come back, or that jealousy doesn't try to come in for a visit, but I can say that when Jealousy and Wrong Thoughts do come knocking, I recognize who it is at the door and I turn to God and say " You answer it". And it works. He is a faithful good God and not only did he bless me with the most wonderful husband on the earth, He helps me keep him. *smile*
No comments:
Post a Comment