My son is disappointed with his life so far. He feels as though he's accomplished little to nothing, has no fruit to show for anything and feels more or less like a complete failure. He's also still single and feeling sadness that he hasn't found her yet.
I tried to encourage him, by telling him: "chin up!", "this won't last forever", and his personal favorite I'm sure, "Hey, you're only 30, you have your whole life ahead of you"!
But being his mom my words, though appreciated, weren't taken too seriously because moms always believe and see the best in their kids!
And so I wrote him a letter, not so much from his mom as from a fellow traveler. An often weary, confused traveler in a largely dark, dreary, dusty land. Here is that letter to my son:
Dear Tristan,
You will come into answers as you arrive at them. Not a moment before. God will grant you grace and give you the strength to keep going in spite of not fully understanding exactly which direction you should go.
The Old Testament is full of stories of men who never lived to see the fruit of their work. They obeyed God and many of them were killed for it. Moses never entered Canaan but could only view it from the top of a mountain(Hey, at least he was on a mountain top!). In spite of all his travels and putting up with those stubborn people for decades, he never reaped the fruit of his labor. All those prophets of old who prophesied of the coming of Christ, never lived to see their prophecies fulfilled.
I've been praying and crying for Elya (my daughter, his sister) for years... I've yet to have that prayer answered. She remains (willingly it seems) in bondage just as heavily now, as ever.
But along with all who've had their dreams shattered, hearts broken, and cried endless tears, I know deep down, I'm not here for myself. It's not about me. It's about being part of such a perfect Divine plan. About being an important piece of His puzzle that He alone holds the last piece to. So, if I never have anything more than fleeting moments of happiness on this earth, so be it. I choose not to be bitter, but to hold stubbornly onto His words, those words that promise me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the restoration of all the locusts have eaten. Those words that say His joy is my strength. I stand resolute in trust that He is love and that He does NOTHING apart from love because He can't separate Himself from Himself. He does nothing apart from kindness, justice, peace, restoration, or any of His characters. It would be impossible. So I hang onto that truth as well.
That doesn't mean there aren't days I cry bitter tears of loneliness, un-fulfillment and disappointment. I do. Many times. And I struggle with so much in my flesh. My weight, my age, my lack of achievements, my frustration with having the talent and love of singing and not getting to share it.
Doesn't matter how old someone gets, they still have dreams and desires.
It is getting easier to crawl back into that place of peace, of divine trust. But as long as I live in this body, there will always be a war in which I'm either actively engaged in, or I'm being granted a brief respite from before being launched back onto the front lines again. It will never, ever be 100 % peaceful. But I hope to learn; learn contentment no matter what, learn joy in the depths of disappointment.
I want to always be at peace and find perfect fulfillment in Christ my Redeemer.
I love you, you're not alone. We're pilgrims traveling through this weary land together, and some sweet day, we'll go Home.
Love,
Mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9mg-loKdac
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