These are the words that have been cycling through my heart and mind for a long time. When it comes to most anything, I don't know how to let go and then leave it alone. Most of all when it comes to my children. I have been a frenzied mess of "what do I do?" "how do I do it?" and "how will I know when to or when not to do it?" and most of all, "I'm sure I can help if I just keep doing something". But God is saying over and over again; "NO". "Leave it alone"! and of course, always, "TRUST ME".
This journey with my drug addicted child has led me deeper into the unknown than I've ever been. It's even hard to say that, "my drug addicted child". I keep thinking I'm talking about someone else's child. Not mine. I've had, am still having a hard time accepting that she is an addict. Not Hannah. Not my curly haired, blue eyed, chubby, happy baby girl. I keep thinking it's a passing phase. I remind myself of my dad as he struggled with acknowledging my mom had Alzheimer's. When she'd wander off and get lost, he'd just sit at the computer and say "well, let her get lost, maybe it will teach her a lesson". That was so absurd to me that he didn't get that she had a disease! There were no lessons for her to learn, she needed help. And yet here I am, just as much in denial as he was. I have a drug addicted daughter. God has a drug addicted daughter. I also struggle with the fact that there is not a single thing I can do about it. I can't spank it out of her. Give her time outs until she learns. Ground her. Nothing. I have to leave her alone and let God take care of this.
The struggle to let go is a tremendous one. It's a daily struggle.
Hannah is in detox right now and she's been calling me every evening. Last night when she called, I talked to her about a home I found where she can go and continue recovery. I explained to her that they even provide shuttle service between the home and the outpatient clinic where she'll continue her treatment. She said she didn't need a shuttle, she has a car. In spite of feeling a check in my spirit, I told her I didn't think she should have her car for awhile. This was something that had been suggested to me by others, and it made perfect sense to me. No car, no temptation to leave or find drugs, right? Wrong. She was livid. She insisted that she will have her car and that I can't take the one thing she has away from her. After a heated discussion, I told her I was done. If she isn't willing to follow what I suggest, I'm done. I later apologized for that statement and we hung up with our usual "I love you". But afterward I knew I was wrong. I was trying to control the situation and putting my faith and trust in what I thought, rather than in God. God is God. If He doesn't want her to have her car, He will take care of that. Thinking that a car will determine her ability to keep sober or help God as He's helping her, is small thinking. And it's me trying to help, again. I repented of this, repeatedly. I understand that Hannah needs that car as it is the only thing she does have in the physical realm that is hers. She has never had her own home. She has always lived with people, living out of her suitcase for years. That car to her, is home.
And so I leave it alone. Again. And while I'm at it, I'm going to leave me alone too. As I remain suspended in limbo before Him to do with as He wills, He is free to do exactly that. As He wills. To carry out His will. In my life. In Hannah's life. In Elya's life.
"The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20
I'll screw this up again. I know I will because I'm still bound by this flesh which is always at war with the spirit. But... the recognition that I'm not right, comes much quicker. The words of repentance come quickly and the resolve to leave this in the hands of God and get out of the way, happens much faster. And that, to me, is progress. It's the journey to perfection that I'm on. Not perfect, but pressing on toward the goal. As Paul says so well:
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..... Only let us live up to what we have already attained". (Philippians 3:7-16)
But I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. And His faithfulness is great.
"The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy. The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." - Psalm 145:8&9.
So, today I release Hannah to God. Knowing she is His and He loves her even more than I do. Another thing I'm certain of, God is faithful. He who began this good work in Hannah will complete it in her. And funny, He doesn't add, "with Lonna's help, I will complete this work in Hannah". Not even a tiny little bit.
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