Grief

December 4, 2013

There's no silence louder than the silence after the machines stop. Today at 1:10 pm, my dad was healed; finally and completely. Thank you for your prayers. My heart is completely shattered. My precious dad, what will I do without you?

December 5, 2013

"Great is Thy Faithfulness, O, God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.
As Thou hast been, Thou forever, will be."

December 6, 2013

I woke up to find this text from one of my darlings.

"Got my Christmas present.
I haven't been able to stop crying. I'm laying in bed looking for background photos of orchids, to remind me of grandpa, and all of the sudden the heartache went away and I knew he was in my room. I thought to myself, "we still have to get those tattoos grandpa." And I heard his voice in my head say "yes we do sweetheart." I felt warm from my head to my toes. He is here with me mom. With all of us. We just have to sit quietly and listen. You can feel his spirit. His warm loving soul. Now I can sleep peacefully knowing he is with me and you. He always will be. I love you so much mom. Good night."

Needless to say I'm a mess after that. But in a comforting, reassuring way. Thanking God that He is kind and He remembers us.

December 6, 2013

Sometimes 24 hours doesn't make a difference at all. Even 48 hours doesn't.

December 7, 2013

Grief; it feels as though something in me has been torn from me and it hurts so bad. While I wait for time to do what it does best, I want to be so aware during the wait. I want to lean into the raw pain and learn something. I'm not sure what I want to learn. But I know there is something there. I asked God why He hates divorce so much but lets us experience such a horrendous separation that leaves us raw, jagged, our pain blowing in the wind for all to see. In all His wisdom, He hasn't answered that question. Which in itself is an answer. And so by sheer faith and belief that God remembers and has compassion on me, I stand on the words of God Himself, through David:
"But I trust in your faithful love.
My heart is filled with joy because You will save me.
I will sing to the Lord.
He has been so good to me."

December 8, 2013

The Lucky Sad ~
"Blessed are those who mourn"

"Flash floods of tears,
torrents of them,
erode cruel canyons,
exposing long forgotten strata of life laid down in the peaceful decades: a badlands beauty. The same sun,
that decorates each day with colors from arroyos and mesas, also shows every old scar and cut of lament.
Weeping washes the wounds clean and leaves them to heal, which always takes an age or two.
No pain is ugly in past tense. Under The Mercy every hurt is a fossil link in the great chain of becoming.
Pick and shovel prayers often,
turn them up in valleys of death".
~Eugene Peterson

"Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted".
~Jesus Christ

December 9, 2013

I slept well for the first time last night. After an afternoon with friends and being able to talk and get some good spiritual input, and insight, I feel as though the grief is moving from my chest to my back. I can breathe a little better. Standing on sheer faith is easier said than done. But like a climber in a severe snow storm, I'm hanging on BY FAITH. And I will bless the Lord no matter what. With Job, I say "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
I also believe "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

My Redeemer lives.

Thank you all for your prayers, support and love.

December 10, 2013

On Sunday night, while out with friends, I ordered a glass of wine. I just needed one. Anyhoo, the young girl who took my order said "do you have some ID I can see"? I nearly cried. I told her she made my day. Her face turned red when as I showed her my ID I also told her I am 50. She was a little flustered, but pulled it together enough to tell me a few minutes later; "to be honest, you don't look 50 at all".

Bless the hearts of the kind and the honest.

Comfort during mourning can come in a variety of ways... being told you don't look old when you feel positively ancient is one of those ways.

December 11, 2013

The prophet Isaiah was given the following to share with us:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

As so often happens, the word of God ruminates in my mind and as I let that happen, I see more than the words, I begin to understand. If you've ever noticed, as you read and re-read the same words, they deliver a different message to your heart. Same words, no adding, no taking away, but your understanding is broadened.

I believe that we, as believers, are the living Word of God. We all possess within us the Word that waters, sows, and feeds ourselves and those around us. When God has accomplished what He purposed to do in and through us and when He succeeds in what He sent His word to do in and through us, we return to Him, not empty, but victorious.

My dad did not return to God empty. My dad had accomplished that which God had purposed and dad succeeded in the thing for which God had sent him. God's Word returned to Him in the form of my dad and all the things dad did that made a difference in lives around him and in eternity's eyes.

I love that death holds no sting and abounds in victory.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (Psalm 116:15)

My prayer for you today is that as you go out; living Words of God to the world around you, living Words of life to your fellow believers that
"you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."

December 12, 2013

In the process of this grief I have been reminded once again of the huge blessing God has given me in the form of my husband. As Rollie and I talked last night he shared how nearly every night for the last 7 years he and my dad shared at least 20 minutes of "man" time. Being the only 2 males in the house, they often commiserated (about females and hormones no doubt) behind closed doors as Rollie prepared dad for bed. They caught up on each other's day, made plans for what they wanted to build, talked about their favorite shows, etc. But dad lent a listening ear to Rollie's father heart as well, giving advice when asked, but mainly just listening in total understanding. My dad became Rollie's dad as well. I cried when Rollie shared that every night he would literally tuck dad into bed; arranging his foot on a pillow in order to prevent bed sores, and lastly, pulling the covers up evenly around dad making sure everything was snug and that dad was comfortable. They would tell each other good night and dad would always thank Rollie.

I love that my dad had a hand in shaping my husband into the man he is becoming. The gift of my dad goes on and on.

I don't deserve all this goodness in my life, but my heart is oh, so grateful.

"Grief will always be with you. It won't always be a blanket, but it will always be a thread running through your life" .
-Rollie

December 13, 2013

"Eternal God, unchanging,
Mysterious and unknown
Your boundless love unfailing
In grace and mercy shown.
Bright seraphim in ceaseless flight
Around Your glorious throne
Their voices raised both day and night
In praise to You alone

Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!"

December 14, 2013

So grateful for the beautiful distractions in the midst of all my sadness. This afternoon our local movie theater, The Pix, showed "It's a Wonderful Life". It was free to the public. We took our granddaughter and Mollie to see it. It was Gabby's first time to see it and she really enjoyed it, as did we. It was so nice to watch human kindness and selfless giving take place on the big screen. It reminded me how wonderful life really is. In spite of all the hardships, the losses, the sadness we experience from time to time, all in all, it's a wonderful life and I choose to live it with the gratitude my dad did and with a thankful heart for all the goodness and mercy God has provided along the journey. Thank you, Albany for the small town feel you provide us during this holiday season. And thank you, Marcia for telling us about the movie!

December 15, 2013

It was an incredibly rough day. Lots of firsts. Thankful for my closet and sink desperate cries for strength that are heard by God. So thankful for His compassions. One breath at a time.

December 16, 2013

I was tired when I posted last night. So tired that as I read my post this morning, I realized I didn't use enough punctuation.

I have a walk in closet with a door. It's the quietest room in my house and God and I have spent many tear filled, minutes in there. Other times, it's at my sink when I'm brushing my teeth that the tears flow and tooth paste laced pleas for help are blubbered out. Only God can understand them. He's the only One who needs to understand them.

There are many sides to my grief right now. I've lost my dad, who was my anchor. He kept me grounded and could set my world aright with a word or 2.

My fear of abandonment has been brought back up and is staring at me, challenging me and my faith in the Word of God.

Loneliness and fear are along for this journey as well. Loneliness at the thought of having no one to talk to who can understand me like my dad did. Fear of everything; getting old, being lonely, getting sick, having no one to lean on and help me.

So today, I read James. He had these wise words for me:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves." (1: 1-8, Message Bible)

My faith life has been forced into the open. Many questions have arisen, that faith in God alone has been the answer to. I know what the word of God says and it's easy enough to quote and "believe" until it's challenged. Then it's grit your teeth and hang on for the ride sister. And I am hanging on. By faith, my dad is with the Lord. It's what God's word promises us. Now that dad's gone, I have only God's word to stand on. But I've never seen heaven, never been there, can't prove by sight that it's there and that dad is there. Faith believes in what it cannot see. Faith is CONFIDENCE in what I hope for, and ASSURANCE of what I do not see. Confidence in the word of God and assurance that God doesn't lie and His word is true and everlasting. And here's an amazing cycle; Faith comes by HEARING and HEARING by the Word of God. If I don't read and "hear" the Word, my faith will not be. I walk by faith, NOT by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

By faith I am not abandoned because God will never leave me or forsake me and will always be with me. Plus, He is a father to the fatherless. (Isaiah 41:10 and Psalm 68:5)

By faith I will never be lonely because again, God never leaves me. He promises that to me. He says He will be with me to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)

By faith I will not be afraid because perfect love casts out fear and He is perfect Love. And He has given me a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

By faith my mom and dad are with God, because to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ and precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (Philippians 1:23, 2 Corinthians 5:8, Psalm 116:15)

By faith, I will see my parents and other loved ones who are already in Heaven. (Matthew 22: 31-32, 1 Thessalonians 2: 19 & 20, 1 Corinthians 13:12).

By faith today, I fix my "eyes" on Jesus, look fully into His face and trust that He who began this work in me will complete it and He provided my parents to be with me as long as I needed them and He was always there providing for me even when they were here, and He will always be with me providing for my every need along the way even if I can't see it right now. Today I lean into whatever comes my way knowing that as James said, my faith shows its true colors when under pressure. I trust God to mature me and develop me through everything that comes my way no matter how uncomfortable, painful and unpleasant it may be at the time. God makes use of everything and He is always at work in me. And boy does He have His work cut out for Him!

It is a walk of and by faith. Until He calls me home to live with Him, I will never, ever walk alone. Oh, how He loves me. Tears, bruises, heart aches and doubt; He loves me unconditionally and forever.

December 18, 2013

One step. One day. One event. I am rebelling every step as though I can somehow bring him back if I just go very slow and put everything off. So far, it's not working and picking up his ashes yesterday was very unkind to my imagination.

They were in a box, then placed in a bag, a blue plastic bag with handles, and handed to me. "This? This is what my beautiful dad and all his brilliance has been reduced to? This small box? Weighty, but small. " And for a millisecond, I knew the answer was no. No it's not what he's been reduced to. It's the remains of what he no longer is in need of. It's like the bag they give you at the hospital to put your belongings in because you don't need them while you're there. He has no need for that body now.

The peace of that knowledge was ever so fleeting, but left in its wake a magnificent sense of well being and Truth. It has remained with me even now and even though I try to grasp that millisecond of "knowing", I can't. But what God left behind is bringing me so much comfort and hope.

Before I even got out of bed yesterday, I read this scripture from 1 Corinthians 2, " For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.". I cried when I read it because I really understood it. I think the fleeting moment at the funeral home was just a whisper, no a breath, from the thoughts of God. A breath so light, but it was all I needed.

Today I keep going. Always strengthened by Him. Always remembered by Him. Always breathed on by Him. May my awareness be heightened and my heart be always expecting. Yours too.

And I'm so thankful for a dear friend who left his job in Corvallis to be with me when I picked up the precious ashes of my dad and then took them with him to lovingly place them in the urn I chose. He even promised not to swear in front of dad! Ha ha. Dad was a Marine though, so nothing shocked him.

I'm grateful at the kindness of friends. So grateful.

December 21, 2013

Urns picked up, programs folded, memories glued, slide show completed, and I'm still not ready.
I thank you for your prayers today as we celebrate the life of my beautiful dad, Patrick Mulrooney.
"I'll let the memories keep you close to my heart until we meet again, dad. I'll love and miss you forever".

December 23, 2013

There could not have been a more fitting farewell for such a prince of a man. 3 men; 2 ministers and a good friend, conducted the service and it flowed so beautifully. There were beautiful tributes, tears, laughter and a few surprises. Gabby decided she wanted to say something for "Grandpa Pat". We didn't plan for this and as she took the stage, Paris turned to me and said "Oh, this is gonna be good". And it was. When she was done with her short, beautiful speech, she then said " I have a song to sing that I made up that I heard in a movie".... that's when I thought, "uh oh... get that kid off there!" But she sang a lovely little tune and just before she plunked the microphone down, she announced "that was from Rapunzel!". It was awesome, and dad would have LOVED it!

Yesterday, Rollie and I finally pulled it together and did some Christmas shopping. It was sweet because we have bonded even more through this and cherish every moment we have together. Sad at times as I found myself more than once, looking for something for my dad, or thinking "dad would like that!" then remembering he wasn't here to open anything. (Another sweet side note: We stopped for dinner afterward and the restaurant wouldn't let us pay. I nearly cried at the kindness.) This broken road has had petals of kindness sprinkled all through out it. Thank you, God. .

I think considering dad before I do anything will linger with me for awhile. It was such a way of life for us for 7 beautiful years. Every time I leave the house, he crosses my mind; "is he ok? did he take his pills? Will the girls remember to check on him?" Almost as quickly I remember, he is in the most capable Hands ever and will never need or want for anything again.

And we walk on. Limping a little. We lost such a huge part of us. But in a way, we walk on stronger. Stronger because our faith has strengthened us.

Our work on this earth is not over. Our assignment is still before us. I don't doubt the pain of grief will hit me like an unexpected punch in the stomach frequently,( hopefully growing less frequent) but I also know my Heavenly Father will be right there to guide me through it and help me stand a little taller.

I pray my life will honor my parents, honor my God and count for something in the end.

Thank you to every one of you for being with me every step of this way. Thank you for your prayers, your visits, your flowers, your tears, your stories, your hugs, your cards, your words of encouragement. Thank you.