Abandoned?

Mom physically left me on August 23rd, 2009. It's odd that I write that because I've struggled with abandonment issues all my life. I'm sure it started when I was about 6 months old and my birth parents made a decision to give me up for adoption. It was furthered compounded by being adopted by a single mother (I think she was the first single woman in Oregon to adopt a child... part of what makes her so amazing) who had to work full time. I can remember missing her and being scared she'd never come back, but she did time after time. She smelled like cookies! (she worked at Nabisco). When she moved me to Kenya with her, I attended boarding school and so at 7 years old I watched her drive away not thinking I'd ever see her again. I did see her, after 3 months. (The school was 3 months at school, one month vacation). Throughout the years, as I grew older, had my own kids, etc, I no longer feared being abandoned by her. In 2007 after serious prayer, consideration and counsel, my dad, my husband and myself made the decision to allow mom to live in the safety of a Memory Care facility. She had Alzheimer's and we could no longer safely manage her care. I'll never forget the horrible day I moved all her things into her room. My dad dropped her off and I stayed to see her settled in. After looking around and claiming she'd been there before, I showed her the large social area where there was a TV. The TV was on, it was set to channel 12. It was just after the noon hour and like it's done for many, many years, KPTV, was showing one of mom's favorite shows, "Perry Mason". Her eyes lit up when she saw it was on and she made herself comfortable in a recliner. I hugged her and told her I'd be back soon. For the first time in my life I felt what it was like from her side. What she must have felt so many times during the years when she had to leave me. I felt like I was abandoning her. It cut me like a knife and after hugging her I hurried out, the tears spilling from my eyes and flowing down my cheeks even before I made it to the van. I sat there, not able to process it all, just letting the tears do what they do so well. In His mercy, when God took her home, I didn't feel as though she was abandoning me. And because 2 weeks before she died, I had given her permission to go, I don't think she felt as though she was abandoning me either. We were just saying "see you later". So today, I'm thankful for my mom, her strength, her influence, her legacy and mostly the lessons I learned from her just by being her daughter and watching her. Thanks, Mom. See you later.