Week 7

“That’s New to Me” moment:

I did not know how transparent I am in my insecurities. I find that quite embarrassing.

How does a weak will play into my insecurity?

If I continue to give into my “weak” will (if it’s so weak why is it so strong?) I will continue to be constantly overwhelmed by my insecurities and will never gain ground through God and His word. I am so grateful for Beth's advice on page 257 to repeat ” I am clothed with strength and dignity”. And not just when I need it, but all day long in order to set my mind on truth. So eventually, the strength will be drained from my “weak” will and my will will be God’s will and then “when we decide to be strong willed about what God strongly wills, that, beloved , is the epitome of empowerment”. (page 244) Amen!

Week 4- Dignity.

Based on your journey so far in chapters 1-8, list your own personal top three reasons why it's time to deal with your insecurity.

Top 3 reasons why it's time to deal with my insecurity:

A) So I don't have to suck in so hard when I work out at the gym, it's so hard to breathe and nearly impossible to do if I have to go pee; just to become comfortable in my own fitness level and stop mentally comparing myself to others.

B) Because I am going to start teaching my first Zumba class and I need to be secure enough to look at myself in the mirror in order to honestly encourage all those insecure, lovely women (and men) who will take my class.

C) Because God wants me to. He has begun a good work in me, He wants to continue His good work in me and I want to be willing. I want to be obedient because God loves ME and He LOVES obedience.

My insecurity is so largely based on how I think I look, sound, mostly physical things and those insecurities trigger my pride and I find myself mentally slamming others in order to continue to make sure I'm "top dog" (to who?) Oh, I hate this I do so hate it. So yesterday at the gym I worked out with my darling little friend who has a darling little figure but I have no insecurities with her because I just love her to pieces but she said that another girl was going to come in and do weights with us (what? I'm not your only friend?) and was I ok with that. "Oh! of course, no problem!" But as soon as the girl walked in I started to mentally evaluate; mmmhmmm, a little heavy around the middle, legs shaped a little weird, but nice tushy....
WOW!! I cannot wait for that mad mental put down/evaluate cycle to be broken. But you know what I do? I, out loud and to the person, address their body part I feel most insecure about in myself and I tell them honestly, "you have a nice rear" or " you have nice boobs" and 9 times out of 10 they respond with "oh no girl, I need surgery", or just "no I don't". Rarely does anyone just say "thanks". Even the little body builder girl when I tell her she looks fabulous she rolls her eyes and says "oh no I don't". WHAT? She has a frickin' picture of herself hanging in the gym with her all oiled up winning a prize and she still doesn't think she looks fabulous!? I love her shoulders and arms. So shapely, so not mine.

Also based on Chapter 8, what does dignity mean to you?

I don't know what dignity means to me. I can't get my head around that yet. I keep picturing Abraham Lincoln walking all tall and upright and think that is what dignity looks like. I have my heart open to God for help in this. I know it's not pride, but am just not sure what it is, does it have an action?

As I read back through the blogs listed by some of the other women, I came across what dignity meant to one gal who calls herself "Redeemed". (love that). :

"For me, dignity simply means Jesus. He covers me, He loves me, He cherishes me and He values me. I'm a princess! And as a princess, some things are simply beneath my dignity! I'm not talking about serving people or even scrubbing toilets, I'm talking about giving in to the lies the enemy keeps trying to feed me. I don't have to dig through the trash with him anymore. I'm clean. I'm loved".

I've adopted this and it is what dignity means to me too.

Roots of Insecurities & What is God saying to me

WEEK 3.
At one point in my week 3 reading of So Long Insecurities I commented to myself "good Lord, do I have to have them all"? referring to the roots of insecurity. And bless my heart, I do! From birth! Rejected as a baby because I was a girl, I was adopted by a single woman (rare in 1964)who worked full time and I was left in the hands of a very physically abusive Uncle and his timid wife, my aunt. Moved to Kenya at 7 yrs old,attended boarding school (lots more abandonment, bullying, rejection). As a child in Kenya, I was physically punished by my mom for being sexually violated twice, once by a visiting minister whose wife was with him on their visit. We moved back to the States when I was 15, I did my best to fit in everywhere doing whatever it took. I had baby boy out of wedlock and was told by same helpful mom (bless her heart) that no one would want to marry me now, so married Mr. Wrong, suffered more physical and verbal abuse once even going to the hospital because he hit me in the head so hard. I was blessed with 3 beautiful girls and later was mercifully released from that marriage by God. I went on to (by the sheer grace of God) to find and marry the sweetest, kindest man God created.  And after all that, I still have the gall to have lots of pride! I had a minister once tell me after one of my counseling sessions with first husband "I'm surprised you're still a Christian after all you've been through". I said "Are you kidding? Jesus was the only sane one out of the bunch!" And that's the truth.

1. Abuse is one root of my insecurities; verbal, physical, sexual and emotional.

2. "The primal fear that no one will take care of us". (pg 65) is another sizable root. I cannot remember a single time as a child that someone stood up for me, defended, or protected me.

I gained lots of insight about the roots of insecurity, mainly that I have so many and they're in big old knot.
I do love and was so encouraged by Beth's words on page 107; "Pride is one of those roots that God can jerk up in a second, we just have to pry our sweet little fingers loose". And since Pride needs to go before I can see the forest, this is encouraging and even exhilarating.

What is God saying to me during this? That I am loved by my Creator. He not only found a way to save me, He fights to keep me and that is amazing. He is committed to me and nothing can separate me from His love. And I love that Beth pointed out that God uses change to change us. Not to destroy or distract us but to "coax us the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny".THANK YOU!!!!!

And finally, her words on page 102 reaffirmed what I suspected all along; "He not only notices us, He never takes His eyes off us. Every now and then a moment of clarity hits us, and we feel known by something, Someone, of inestimable greatness". and then on page 103, "In the radiance of His greatness, we are made great".
And Psalm 139 just fit in so well.

Journaling on the book; "So Long Insecurities, you've been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore

Omnipotence & Omniscience, the struggle with the 2 of them.

WEEK 6.
My husband accepted Christ as his Savior in 2001. I on the other hand do not remember not knowing Christ. It has been quite a struggle to encourage my husband to "lead" when he's not a leader by nature. The church we attend has no discipleship program So, that left it up to me! But my husband is of a very gentle nature and since I'd already tried the bullying approach and found it to fail miserably, I tried the subtle approach. He was so patient with me ("Sure, we can talk") and always agreeable with what I said ("you're right honey, I should read the Bible more") but never really put anything into action, as far as I could tell. But when things get rough I sometimes get so frustrated and just blurt out "ARE YOU EVEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS? Or am I rowing this worry boat alone"? He always calmly replies, "I am praying. I pray more than you think I do". Which shames me into silence. He's such a Godly example to me of exactly how to rest in God and not worry but because he's not doing it the way I was taught (weeping, wailing, attending church every time the doors are open, tithing, reading the Bible then getting on his knees, praying Psalm 51 out loud) I didn't think he was doing it right. Turns out he is doing it right. Very right. So he is more of a backseat leader. He lets me think I'm leading, but come to find out he never lets go of the reigns. He just lets me think I'm a big girl, driving all by myself, when in reality, I'm sitting on my husband's lap, his hands over mine and our Father's hands over both of ours and I'm so not driving all by myself. Through his gentleness, he has taught me to trust him as he trusts God. And I do leave every final decision to him and it feels good. But back to that omnipotence. It hasn't completely gone away. For example, just a couple of months ago, I bought him a NASCAR Bible! My husband is a big NASCAR and F1 fan so I thought this was perfect! In between chapters there's pictures of race car drivers, fun facts and even some of their testimonies! What better way to get my husband to read the Bible than this? I gave it to him and he accepted it so graciously and flipped through it for a few minutes. He then set it on his side of the headboard where it remains to this day resting comfortably under a box of half eaten Assorted Chocolate Truffles made by the Brigittine Monks in Amity, Oregon. Aside from that initial polite interest it has not been opened since the day I proudly delivered it to him. But I know I have changed a bit, I don't nag about it at all. He's not an idiot, he knows it's there. I have also learned that God Himself is perfectly capable of "disciplining" His own children without my help and He has done a marvelous job with my husband.

I also found omniscience to resonate with me. I have been blessed with a husband of integrity and everything we have is open to each other. Especially those things that could be so easily kept secret. My husband knows my passwords, I know his. If I have a situation where I have run into a friend who is male and we hug and spend a little time visiting, I always tell my husband right away so that if word ever got back to him that his wife was "meeting up with men and chit chatting", he can say "I know, she told me". He also tells me of situations that could come back to me in a wrong way. Being a nice looking man, he's been approached by various women who have asked him to go to dinner, take them fishing (what?) go for walks on breaks at work, etc. I get a little jealous, but prefer to know than not. Honestly, the jealous female in me would like to pull their hair and scratch their eyes out, but the sane female says thank God he was honest enough to tell me. Anyway, all that to say early on in our relationship you couldn't find a more jealous woman than me. It threatened to destroy our relationship. I am guilty of what is mentioned on page 220 of "So Long Insecurity"; " We can insist on knowing more about our mate's past relationships than we end up being able to handle". You are not just whistling Dixie there sister. It wasn't easy to get it out of him either. I had to work on him over and over. I pulled the Delilah scene repeatedly, "you don't love me, if you did you would tell me everything". And cry big old tears. Eventually he did give in and tell me. And it was devastating to me. A deadly combination of my creative imagination and my jealousy, created a bomb that nearly blew our whole relationship sky high. I can remember his voice coming to me through the thick of my storm saying " I told you it would hurt you"! I didn't care. I became so distrustful of him, I checked up on him, I called him at various times, it was so ugly. And this was a relationship that had ended 2 years BEFORE WE MET! How insane is that? Fortunately, I serve a merciful and gracious God who gave me a very patient and loving husband. I made it a goal to pray and pray and pray about this. I had to force my mind not to dwell on it and just trust God and my husband. Over the course of the years, yes years, God did heal my mind. I can't say that the thoughts never come back, or that jealousy doesn't try to come in for a visit, but I can say that when Jealousy and Wrong Thoughts do come knocking, I recognize who it is at the door and I turn to God and say " You answer it". And it works. He is a faithful good God and not only did he bless me with the most wonderful husband on the earth, He helps me keep him. *smile*

Pictures

Most of the pictures that accompany my blog, with the exception of the slideshow, are taken by my beautiful daughter Hannah who is 17. What an amazingly, maddening, beautiful, frustrating, growing, becoming person she is. I love her dearly of course and I absolutely am her number one admirer. I am proudly envious of her beauty, her strength, her sass, her talent, her unstoppable confidence but at the same time terribly frustrated at times at her inability to follow through and her lack of confidence in herself. But she is 17. And she is my daughter. I love her, more than I know.

FOR WARMTH

by Thich Nhat Hanh

I hold my face between my hands
no I am not crying
I hold my face between my hands
to keep my loneliness warm
two hands protecting
two hands nourishing
two hands to prevent
my soul from leaving me
in anger

I love this poem. While I am not buddhist, nor do I necessarily think buddhism will lead to Christ, Brother Thicht Nhat Hanh exudes much gentleness and peace when he speaks and that I respect. I also respect his point of view and his perspective on life and how it is lived. It is very much in line with how Christ taught us to live and how a life without suffering is not a realistic expectation. We live in a world where suffering is prevented at all cost and if we are presented with an opportunity to suffer we work as quickly as possible to remove the suffering from the picture and never look deeply into or embrace the suffering. We miss many opportunities for growth this way. There is no learning without suffering. No compassion. No forgiveness.

The poem above does not necessarily deal with suffering but it does speak of how to refrain from acting in anger, on how to feel what you are feeling, acknowledging it, holding it and when you are done, there is no anger. Only peace.

No matter what, I want my initial response to whatever happens in my life to be like Job's. When word reached his ears that he had lost everything; his children, his livestock, his houses, his servants (except the ones bearing the bad news) all through various means from collapsed buildings to outright murder by fire and sword, his first response was to fall to the ground in worship and say "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart, the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21. It was the perfect first response to unspeakable horror that had occurred in his life. He was in shock and just acknowledged God out of instinct and trust as he had been accustomed to doing his whole life. His response was a testimony to his habits and his lifestyle. He then spent the next 40 some chapters alternating between questioning, trusting and at times downright agonizing. I believe that God let us share in part of Job's grieving and healing process which I am sure took years. During one of his most profound moments of complete trust in his God, he says this; " I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes-I, not another. How my heart yearns within me." Job 19:25-27. I wonder if Job started those words with a weary tone, maybe tired of the grief, tired of the tears, but finding the strength to stand on what he knew of his Friend and Creator. Maybe his voice started weak but as he spoke, he began to believe what he was saying and God took this opportunity as Job spoke in faith, to strengthen him so by the time he got to the end of this statement his voice was strong and steady and he knew he believed everything he was saying because he knew Who he was talking about.

Job was being questioned by 3 friends during this dark time of his life. you would think that God would bring friends that had a little more compassion than these 3 seemed to have most of the time but I'm sure it was what God planned because it made Job take a good hard look himself. It made him question his motives, his actions, his heart and to really look at his relationship with God. God knew Job well. He said to Satan in Job 1:18; "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. " So God knew Job, but how well did Job know himself? How well did he know how much God loved him and how much he loved God? How acquainted was he with the greatness of God and the power of the Almighty? By the end of Job, Job is a changed man and his friends are silent. Job never hated God, he didn't curse God (even though his wife encouraged him to). His faith in God and his steady relationship with God enabled him to say in Job 23:10; "He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His way without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of His lips. I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread. " It surely was a time of testing for Job. God also took the opportunity to show Job a side of Himself that Job wasn't so familiar with; a side that terrified Job. "That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face." Job 23:15-17. Ironically but purposefully, this was written after Job's statement that he had closely followed God and not departed from His commands. By faith Job clung to what he knew about God, to the relationship he had established long ago with God. In the end all was restored to Job; double what he lost and I'm sure that covered spiritually as well. In fact God made sure His relationship with Job had been not only raked over the coals, but made sure the foundation was as solid as it had been before all this took place in Job's life, and then he restored all the physical things Job lost. Job proved not only to God, but to his friends and even Satan that he truly loved God. His relationship with God was built on rock and that no matter what happened to him, he was going to and he did cling to his beloved Redeemer and never turn away.

There are times I feel like my life is part of a huge science project; God's science project. I did not create myself, nor did I put myself on this earth at this time. Job 33:4 says "The Spirit of God has made me, the breath of the Almighty gives me life." I am in the hands and at the mercy of my Creator and there is no other place I'd rather be. Nothing that I have is mine. Why? Because if it was truly "mine" it would be mine forever. The only thing that is mine is God because He can't be taken away an my soul is truly His because of His mercy and His love for me and His promises.

I cannot begin to understand the magnitude of who God is and I don't think I know Him as well as I think I do (and certainly not as well as He knows me, that's a whole new blog in itself) but I know that God is consistent. I know that He does not lie, I know that He does care for all He has made because He says in Psalm 145:17 says; "The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made." His love is unfailing.

As I said at the beginning; No matter what, I want my initial response to whatever happens in my life to be like Job's. The more I think about God, the more I read about Him, the more I realize I know nothing. The more I realize how incredibly insignificant I am. Strangely this does not depress me but fills me with awe. I am amazed. Job has this to say about God; "And these are but the outer fringe of His works, how faint the whisper we hear of Him! Who then can understand the thunder of His power?" Job 26:14. That I haven't been flicked off the face of the earth like an annoying fly is amazing. And I am grateful. And I am in love.