Sorrow

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently and during the course of the conversation she relayed a story to me. One part of her story that really stood out to me was the sorrow her husband expressed, even crying, over something she had done that she deeply regretted. His tears and his sorrow were not for himself, but for her. Because he knows his wife well enough to know the regret of her actions would tear her apart.
This moved me and I thought about it on Sunday morning as I listened to how Judas betrayed Jesus. Jesus bore no malice toward Judas, only sorrow. A 2 fold sorrow to be sure. Part of His sorrow was knowing that Judas would betray Him. After all the time they had spent together, after all Judas had witnessed first hand; the compassion, the justice, the redemption, the healing, Judas would in the end betray Christ. But the other part of His sorrow I think was probably even deeper. He knew Judas would never be able to forgive himself. He knew how deeply the regret of his actions would affect Judas. How in the end Judas would throw the money he had taken in trade for betraying Jesus, back at the priests in rage, anger and self loathing and then later go and take his own life. Was forgiveness available for Judas? Absolutely. Was God's grace still offered to him? Without a doubt. But Judas could not forgive himself. Christ knew, when He said in John 13:27, What you must do, do quickly, that it was the end for Judas. I'm sure there was no anger in His voice when He said those words to Judas, at least not directed at Judas. If there was anger in His voice it was most assuredly directed toward satan who had just entered Judas. But there was sorrow in His voice directed at Judas. Christ was losing one of His own and there was nothing He could do. For the Shepherd, who willingly leaves all His sheep to find the one lost one, this was heartbreaking.

I believe that sorrow remains two-fold today when it comes to us doing wrong. Sin is disobedience. Disobedience hurts the heart of God. When we sin, we know it. There is a sickening feeling of regret and knowing we are wrong. Sometimes we shove that feeling down, we ignore it, we even reason with it, but it remains sin. Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, we acknowledge it and then we ask God to please forgive us and He does, immediately, but then much to His sorrow, we don't forgive ourselves. We mull over it, regret it for a long time, ask God repeatedly for forgiveness. Those actions in themselves can keep us separated from the peace of God and from the friendship with God and from knowing God loves us. Does it separate us from peace, friendship with God and God's love? Not at all, but because we aren't standing by faith on the word of God, because we don't FEEL forgiven, because we have such a hard time forgiving ourselves, we often think we're separated from God. So there is the second part of God's sorrow. He sorrows in watching us struggle. He sorrows in watching us beat ourselves up repeatedly with regret over our actions, actions He has forgiven. He misses us.

Interesting to note that satan only entered Judas when Judas took the bread from Jesus. Judas did have a choice, but in a moment of weakness and greed, he made a choice that separated him from the One who loved him most and ended his life.

Don't let your mistakes separate you from God. Ask for His forgiveness, then by faith, receive it and don't grieve Him or yourself further by living in regret.

Final Week!

Well, I'm finally ready to post my final responses. Took me awhile, but here I is.

On a scale of 1 to 10; how big a part has fear played in my life?

Oh, about a 12, and that's being conservative. I have been fearful since childhood, and am so happy to be given some tools to disarm the enemy. (Oh, I know the scriptures, but haven't trusted that they are for me too! I only thought I was worthy of all the "God hates Divorce" ones and the "unpardonable sin" ones... oh wretched woman am I). What's kind of funny in a sick way is that I seem to have viewed fear as an insurance policy of sorts. If I fear it and keep it at the forefront of my thoughts, it won't happen, or at least I won't be surprised when it does. That sure enough is some pretty crazy thinking, and it sure has wasted a lot of time. But I'm so glad to not only be shown the error of my thinking but to know I'm not alone in it and to be given some other stuff to think about, mostly God.

As I read through this chapter, 3 things resonated with me.
1. On page 324. The paragraph that talks about the enemy. "Once he pinpoints our emotional Achilles' heel, he draws back the bow and aims the poisonous dart straight at it. He figures out what we're most afraid of, and then he taunts us unmercifully with expert marksmanship". I don't like that I've been running around for 46 years looking like a giant ad for Target; a big red target right smack in the middle of my forehead. Thanks for pointing that out Beth because now, armed with that knowledge and the Word/sword of God I will cease to be a target. At least not in fear. God will deal with other things as they come along I'm sure but disarming that one disarms just about everything. I'm so excited about this. (I thought of Droopy when I wrote that, remember him? "I'm so happy" as he never changed that sad droopy expression).

2. Fear is a colossal waste of time. (page 323) This one hurt. I'll bet I've wasted years worrying and being fearful of things that didn't come to pass, or that did but turned out to be nothing significant. I have imagined horrors beyond horrors; deaths or my kids or husband, torturing's of myself or my kids (this one only applies if we're here during tribulation, which I'm still not sure about), losing limbs, going completely deaf, going blind (choosing which will be worse), becoming physically paralyzed, husband will leave me for a young blond with implants, gaining 300 pounds, going insane during menopause (one hears stories you know). You name it, I've imagined it and lived in fear of it. I call it my WCS thinking. (worst case scenario). But I haven't thought it completely through to the other side and how God will take care of me. Of how He will provide the correct amount of grace and strength for each step I take and each decision I make should one of these fears come to pass. I have seen Him do this for me time after time and one would think I would have learned a little something about my beloved Savior by now. And I have, but I have since reading this book, learned a whole lot more about my beloved Savior.
3. The 3rd thing that really stood out to me begins on page 323; "I used to think that the essence of trusting God was trusting that He wouldn't allow my fears to become realities. Without realizing it, I mostly trusted God to do what I told Him. If He didn't, I was thrown for a total loop." I will no longer trust God to do what I want (or don't want) Him to do, I will trust God. Period. I love this!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!
I hear Aretha Franklin's song in my head "Freedom! Freedom! Oh Freedom!!!" Yes Lord, indeed this is Freedom.

The second question asks me to reflect over the journey as a whole, what lasting and of God will I take away from it? Everything I read and learned was totally in line with the Word of God and everything was lasting. I was able to start applying it immediately to my life. Just this past week I had an incident that a couple months ago would have had me firing off a retaliatory email that would have lit the internet on fire on it's way to the recipient. But because of God's mercy and what I've learned, I began to write a response, but won't send it. I've examined why I reacted the way I did and asked God for insight to the heart of the person who sent it and knew He wanted me to tread lightly and go slow because it was a wounded, hurting heart that sent it. Not that I need to do anything for this person, but just know it wouldn't be fair to just fire back. My security is in Christ and nothing can take that from me, this person cannot have my security, and I am clothed with strength and dignity. I don't think the person I am talking about can say the same thing so I need to rest in my security and trust God to handle it all. I mean to trust God. Period.

Week 8

Chapter 13 drained me and got so to the point of things that I was left feeling discouraged wondering how the heck do I even begin to apply all that I am reading and learning!? But then Beth redirected my mind BACK to the Bible, the unshakable word of our loving Creator, where I was reminded that “this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.” 2Cor 4:7 I just need to be willing and have an open heart, He’ll do the work. Whew! But that’s not to say I’m still pondering things, a lot. Like exactly what do I say to God when I pray for someone who repeatedly hurts me, by lying about me and to me and is just plain unkind at times? And she never apologizes even when confronted! Avoidance here can only go so far because this person is also a family member and so I am required to be in her presence a few times a year. What kind of blessing do I pray? I do ask for forgiveness for my attitude but things still hurt. She is an emotional wreck, not so much an emotional predator (and thank you for pointing out the differences). She wears her emotional wreck around her like the cloud of dust that followed Pigpen in the Charlie Brown cartoon, but I’m tired of having her sap me dry when I’m around her. I need practical help here. Please.
Ok, on to this weeks questions.

1). BRIEFLY DESCRIBE SOMEONE WHO IS WORTH DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO YOU TO LIVE ABUNDANTLY AND EFFECTIVELY IN CHRIST.

Well, all my children, but mostly the 2 girls still at home and my darling 4 year old granddaughter. My 23 year old daughter is a mess; emotionally and spiritually and she is that way in spite of everything I tried to do right while bringing her up (including attending and being active in church several times a week, homeschooling her, piano lessons, youth choir, dance, you name it, I did it). She is now the mother of my granddaughter and it scares me. So while I remain in prayer for my daughter, I am active in my granddaughters life as much as I can. I want her to see what it is to live abundantly, what it means to have joy unspeakable, what it means to be secure in Christ. She is 4 years old and is a complete delight and lives every day to go to Sunday School. She will grow up surrounded by healthy aunts and grandparents and she is worth it.

2)HOW AM I PREPARED TO LOOK OUT FOR MY OWN GENDER AND BE PART OF THE SOLUTION IN OUR BATTLE WITH INSECURITIES?

Encourage. When a friend recently shared with me her plans to have a home birth with this baby she’s waited 15 years to have, I congratulated her immediately! She was taken aback by my reaction because she shared that almost everyone she told this to, told her it was a bad idea. I assured her that she is a smart woman capable of making good decisions as is her husband. So, reassuring someone where they are lacking confidence is a good way to be a part of the solution.
I have another friend who for a long time has been having a rough time in her marriage, even on the brink of separation. She is a teacher at a school where I work as well. One day, during what I knew was a particularly hard time in her marriage, I walked by her classroom and heard her singing a worship song with her kids. Tears came to my eyes as I heard her voice lifted in joyous and worshipful testimony that in spite of all the enemy was trying to do to her family, she still loved and was so loved by her Savior. I called her that night and shared that with her and she was so encouraged. So in spite of her insecurities, her life was a testimony to me and she needed to know that.
I’m prepared to encourage even when I don’t know how it will be received.

3).WHAT IS MY PASSION?

One of my passions is to give. To make my time on this earth count in the eyes of eternity. To matter. Instead of a vacation, to go on a mission trip. I was raised on the mission field and watched my mom give of herself to the point where physically there wasn’t much left sometimes, but spiritually,she was always strong. My passion is to leave with my kids what my mom left me with when she died; faith in God. She may not have always been the most compassionate parent, but where she may have at times contributed to my pain, she left me faith in a God who heals all pain, sorrows and more than makes up for sloppy parenting. Immediately after she left this earth, I cradled her head to my chest and through my tears, I thanked her for being a wonderful mom and giving me Jesus. That is my passion, to leave all my children and grandchildren with that same eternal gift. And also, while I’m here on earth, to be very open about my personal changes and growth, to become even more like Christ, transformed in front of my family, living it out in front of them, setting an example, being passionate about my walk with God, my love for Him and His love for me and them as well. I’m sure at about 3:00 AM, which is usually when I have my brilliant moments, I’ll think of something grand and glorious that I could have said, but you have 10:00 AM version and it will just have to do.

Week 7

“That’s New to Me” moment:

I did not know how transparent I am in my insecurities. I find that quite embarrassing.

How does a weak will play into my insecurity?

If I continue to give into my “weak” will (if it’s so weak why is it so strong?) I will continue to be constantly overwhelmed by my insecurities and will never gain ground through God and His word. I am so grateful for Beth's advice on page 257 to repeat ” I am clothed with strength and dignity”. And not just when I need it, but all day long in order to set my mind on truth. So eventually, the strength will be drained from my “weak” will and my will will be God’s will and then “when we decide to be strong willed about what God strongly wills, that, beloved , is the epitome of empowerment”. (page 244) Amen!

Week 4- Dignity.

Based on your journey so far in chapters 1-8, list your own personal top three reasons why it's time to deal with your insecurity.

Top 3 reasons why it's time to deal with my insecurity:

A) So I don't have to suck in so hard when I work out at the gym, it's so hard to breathe and nearly impossible to do if I have to go pee; just to become comfortable in my own fitness level and stop mentally comparing myself to others.

B) Because I am going to start teaching my first Zumba class and I need to be secure enough to look at myself in the mirror in order to honestly encourage all those insecure, lovely women (and men) who will take my class.

C) Because God wants me to. He has begun a good work in me, He wants to continue His good work in me and I want to be willing. I want to be obedient because God loves ME and He LOVES obedience.

My insecurity is so largely based on how I think I look, sound, mostly physical things and those insecurities trigger my pride and I find myself mentally slamming others in order to continue to make sure I'm "top dog" (to who?) Oh, I hate this I do so hate it. So yesterday at the gym I worked out with my darling little friend who has a darling little figure but I have no insecurities with her because I just love her to pieces but she said that another girl was going to come in and do weights with us (what? I'm not your only friend?) and was I ok with that. "Oh! of course, no problem!" But as soon as the girl walked in I started to mentally evaluate; mmmhmmm, a little heavy around the middle, legs shaped a little weird, but nice tushy....
WOW!! I cannot wait for that mad mental put down/evaluate cycle to be broken. But you know what I do? I, out loud and to the person, address their body part I feel most insecure about in myself and I tell them honestly, "you have a nice rear" or " you have nice boobs" and 9 times out of 10 they respond with "oh no girl, I need surgery", or just "no I don't". Rarely does anyone just say "thanks". Even the little body builder girl when I tell her she looks fabulous she rolls her eyes and says "oh no I don't". WHAT? She has a frickin' picture of herself hanging in the gym with her all oiled up winning a prize and she still doesn't think she looks fabulous!? I love her shoulders and arms. So shapely, so not mine.

Also based on Chapter 8, what does dignity mean to you?

I don't know what dignity means to me. I can't get my head around that yet. I keep picturing Abraham Lincoln walking all tall and upright and think that is what dignity looks like. I have my heart open to God for help in this. I know it's not pride, but am just not sure what it is, does it have an action?

As I read back through the blogs listed by some of the other women, I came across what dignity meant to one gal who calls herself "Redeemed". (love that). :

"For me, dignity simply means Jesus. He covers me, He loves me, He cherishes me and He values me. I'm a princess! And as a princess, some things are simply beneath my dignity! I'm not talking about serving people or even scrubbing toilets, I'm talking about giving in to the lies the enemy keeps trying to feed me. I don't have to dig through the trash with him anymore. I'm clean. I'm loved".

I've adopted this and it is what dignity means to me too.

Roots of Insecurities & What is God saying to me

WEEK 3.
At one point in my week 3 reading of So Long Insecurities I commented to myself "good Lord, do I have to have them all"? referring to the roots of insecurity. And bless my heart, I do! From birth! Rejected as a baby because I was a girl, I was adopted by a single woman (rare in 1964)who worked full time and I was left in the hands of a very physically abusive Uncle and his timid wife, my aunt. Moved to Kenya at 7 yrs old,attended boarding school (lots more abandonment, bullying, rejection). As a child in Kenya, I was physically punished by my mom for being sexually violated twice, once by a visiting minister whose wife was with him on their visit. We moved back to the States when I was 15, I did my best to fit in everywhere doing whatever it took. I had baby boy out of wedlock and was told by same helpful mom (bless her heart) that no one would want to marry me now, so married Mr. Wrong, suffered more physical and verbal abuse once even going to the hospital because he hit me in the head so hard. I was blessed with 3 beautiful girls and later was mercifully released from that marriage by God. I went on to (by the sheer grace of God) to find and marry the sweetest, kindest man God created.  And after all that, I still have the gall to have lots of pride! I had a minister once tell me after one of my counseling sessions with first husband "I'm surprised you're still a Christian after all you've been through". I said "Are you kidding? Jesus was the only sane one out of the bunch!" And that's the truth.

1. Abuse is one root of my insecurities; verbal, physical, sexual and emotional.

2. "The primal fear that no one will take care of us". (pg 65) is another sizable root. I cannot remember a single time as a child that someone stood up for me, defended, or protected me.

I gained lots of insight about the roots of insecurity, mainly that I have so many and they're in big old knot.
I do love and was so encouraged by Beth's words on page 107; "Pride is one of those roots that God can jerk up in a second, we just have to pry our sweet little fingers loose". And since Pride needs to go before I can see the forest, this is encouraging and even exhilarating.

What is God saying to me during this? That I am loved by my Creator. He not only found a way to save me, He fights to keep me and that is amazing. He is committed to me and nothing can separate me from His love. And I love that Beth pointed out that God uses change to change us. Not to destroy or distract us but to "coax us the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny".THANK YOU!!!!!

And finally, her words on page 102 reaffirmed what I suspected all along; "He not only notices us, He never takes His eyes off us. Every now and then a moment of clarity hits us, and we feel known by something, Someone, of inestimable greatness". and then on page 103, "In the radiance of His greatness, we are made great".
And Psalm 139 just fit in so well.

Journaling on the book; "So Long Insecurities, you've been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore

Omnipotence & Omniscience, the struggle with the 2 of them.

WEEK 6.
My husband accepted Christ as his Savior in 2001. I on the other hand do not remember not knowing Christ. It has been quite a struggle to encourage my husband to "lead" when he's not a leader by nature. The church we attend has no discipleship program So, that left it up to me! But my husband is of a very gentle nature and since I'd already tried the bullying approach and found it to fail miserably, I tried the subtle approach. He was so patient with me ("Sure, we can talk") and always agreeable with what I said ("you're right honey, I should read the Bible more") but never really put anything into action, as far as I could tell. But when things get rough I sometimes get so frustrated and just blurt out "ARE YOU EVEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS? Or am I rowing this worry boat alone"? He always calmly replies, "I am praying. I pray more than you think I do". Which shames me into silence. He's such a Godly example to me of exactly how to rest in God and not worry but because he's not doing it the way I was taught (weeping, wailing, attending church every time the doors are open, tithing, reading the Bible then getting on his knees, praying Psalm 51 out loud) I didn't think he was doing it right. Turns out he is doing it right. Very right. So he is more of a backseat leader. He lets me think I'm leading, but come to find out he never lets go of the reigns. He just lets me think I'm a big girl, driving all by myself, when in reality, I'm sitting on my husband's lap, his hands over mine and our Father's hands over both of ours and I'm so not driving all by myself. Through his gentleness, he has taught me to trust him as he trusts God. And I do leave every final decision to him and it feels good. But back to that omnipotence. It hasn't completely gone away. For example, just a couple of months ago, I bought him a NASCAR Bible! My husband is a big NASCAR and F1 fan so I thought this was perfect! In between chapters there's pictures of race car drivers, fun facts and even some of their testimonies! What better way to get my husband to read the Bible than this? I gave it to him and he accepted it so graciously and flipped through it for a few minutes. He then set it on his side of the headboard where it remains to this day resting comfortably under a box of half eaten Assorted Chocolate Truffles made by the Brigittine Monks in Amity, Oregon. Aside from that initial polite interest it has not been opened since the day I proudly delivered it to him. But I know I have changed a bit, I don't nag about it at all. He's not an idiot, he knows it's there. I have also learned that God Himself is perfectly capable of "disciplining" His own children without my help and He has done a marvelous job with my husband.

I also found omniscience to resonate with me. I have been blessed with a husband of integrity and everything we have is open to each other. Especially those things that could be so easily kept secret. My husband knows my passwords, I know his. If I have a situation where I have run into a friend who is male and we hug and spend a little time visiting, I always tell my husband right away so that if word ever got back to him that his wife was "meeting up with men and chit chatting", he can say "I know, she told me". He also tells me of situations that could come back to me in a wrong way. Being a nice looking man, he's been approached by various women who have asked him to go to dinner, take them fishing (what?) go for walks on breaks at work, etc. I get a little jealous, but prefer to know than not. Honestly, the jealous female in me would like to pull their hair and scratch their eyes out, but the sane female says thank God he was honest enough to tell me. Anyway, all that to say early on in our relationship you couldn't find a more jealous woman than me. It threatened to destroy our relationship. I am guilty of what is mentioned on page 220 of "So Long Insecurity"; " We can insist on knowing more about our mate's past relationships than we end up being able to handle". You are not just whistling Dixie there sister. It wasn't easy to get it out of him either. I had to work on him over and over. I pulled the Delilah scene repeatedly, "you don't love me, if you did you would tell me everything". And cry big old tears. Eventually he did give in and tell me. And it was devastating to me. A deadly combination of my creative imagination and my jealousy, created a bomb that nearly blew our whole relationship sky high. I can remember his voice coming to me through the thick of my storm saying " I told you it would hurt you"! I didn't care. I became so distrustful of him, I checked up on him, I called him at various times, it was so ugly. And this was a relationship that had ended 2 years BEFORE WE MET! How insane is that? Fortunately, I serve a merciful and gracious God who gave me a very patient and loving husband. I made it a goal to pray and pray and pray about this. I had to force my mind not to dwell on it and just trust God and my husband. Over the course of the years, yes years, God did heal my mind. I can't say that the thoughts never come back, or that jealousy doesn't try to come in for a visit, but I can say that when Jealousy and Wrong Thoughts do come knocking, I recognize who it is at the door and I turn to God and say " You answer it". And it works. He is a faithful good God and not only did he bless me with the most wonderful husband on the earth, He helps me keep him. *smile*