Release

Release. Let go. Leave it alone.

These are the words that have been cycling through my heart and mind for a long time. When it comes to most anything, I don't know how to let go and then leave it alone. Most of all when it comes to my children. I have been a frenzied mess of "what do I do?" "how do I do it?" and "how will I know when to or when not to do it?" and most of all, "I'm sure I can help if I just keep doing something". But God is saying over and over again; "NO". "Leave it alone"! and of course, always, "TRUST ME".

This journey with my drug addicted child has led me deeper into the unknown than I've ever been. It's even hard to say that, "my drug addicted child". I keep thinking I'm talking about someone else's child. Not mine. I've had, am still having a hard time accepting that she is an addict. Not Hannah. Not my curly haired, blue eyed, chubby, happy baby girl. I keep thinking it's a passing phase. I remind myself of my dad as he struggled with acknowledging my mom had Alzheimer's. When she'd wander off and get lost, he'd just sit at the computer and say "well, let her get lost, maybe it will teach her a lesson". That was so absurd to me that he didn't get that she had a disease! There were no lessons for her to learn, she needed help. And yet here I am, just as much in denial as he was. I have a drug addicted daughter. God has a drug addicted daughter. I also struggle with the fact that there is not a single thing I can do about it. I can't spank it out of her. Give her time outs until she learns. Ground her. Nothing. I have to leave her alone and let God take care of this.

The struggle to let go is a tremendous one. It's a daily struggle.

Hannah is in detox right now and she's been calling me every evening. Last night when she called, I talked to her about a home I found where she can go and continue recovery. I explained to her that they even provide shuttle service between the home and the outpatient clinic where she'll continue her treatment. She said she didn't need a shuttle, she has a car. In spite of feeling a check in my spirit, I told her I didn't think she should have her car for awhile. This was something that had been suggested to me by others, and it made perfect sense to me. No car, no temptation to leave or find drugs, right? Wrong. She was livid. She insisted that she will have her car and that I can't take the one thing she has away from her. After a heated discussion, I told her I was done. If she isn't willing to follow what I suggest, I'm done. I later apologized for that statement and we hung up with our usual "I love you". But afterward I knew I was wrong. I was trying to control the situation and putting my faith and trust in what I thought, rather than in God. God is God. If He doesn't want her to have her car, He will take care of that. Thinking that a car will determine her ability to keep sober or help God as He's helping her, is small thinking. And it's me trying to help, again. I repented of this, repeatedly. I understand that Hannah needs that car as it is the only thing she does have in the physical realm that is hers. She has never had her own home. She has always lived with people, living out of her suitcase for years. That car to her, is home.

And so I leave it alone. Again. And while I'm at it, I'm going to leave me alone too. As I remain suspended in limbo before Him to do with as He wills, He is free to do exactly that. As He wills. To carry out His will. In my life. In Hannah's life. In Elya's life.

"The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20

I'll screw this up again. I know I will because I'm still bound by this flesh which is always at war with the spirit. But... the recognition that I'm not right, comes much quicker. The words of repentance come quickly and the resolve to leave this in the hands of God and get out of the way, happens much faster. And that, to me, is progress. It's the journey to perfection that I'm on. Not perfect, but pressing on toward the goal. As Paul says so well:
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..... Only let us live up to what we have already attained". (Philippians 3:7-16)

But I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. And His faithfulness is great.

"The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy. The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." - Psalm 145:8&9.

So, today I release Hannah to God. Knowing she is His and He loves her even more than I do. Another thing I'm certain of, God is faithful. He who began this good work in Hannah will complete it in her. And funny, He doesn't add, "with Lonna's help, I will complete this work in Hannah". Not even a tiny little bit.

STRUGGLE

The word of God tells us that there is a struggle between flesh and spirit and I think until I die, this struggle will be apparent in some form to some degree because the enemy of my soul is always on the prowl (1 Peter 5:8). But I don't have to wail about it, to dwell on it, beat myself up over it or even talk about it. Last night as I was listening to someone speak, an inappropriate thought came into my head. I immediately asked God to forgive me and then I started into my usual tirade of beating myself up over it; "why do I think things like this? I'm so stupid, I'm an idiot!, I'm the worst Christian out there". And so on. But, this time I didn't get too far into my tirade before I thought; "it's the flesh. Leave it alone" and I was able to listen effectively again. I believe the tirade on myself that I engage in (without even thinking) is almost worse than the stray fleshly thought that meanders through from seemingly out of nowhere. When the inappropriate thoughts come, I need to recognize them, pray and move on. The enemy wants me to beat myself up. He loves it when he can distract me through my flesh. Knowing God and His word is key to NOT letting that happen. Knowing I am forgiven. Knowing that I am in a battle, knowing that I am loved, knowing that He has over come the world and is greater (John 16:33). I need to trust in Him and believe that He has already won the battle... because He has.

Learning to live in the moment. Learning, while on a life long journey to complete trust! Trust. Grace is given for this moment, this hour, this day. Trying to figure out the future will naturally lead to fear, worry and even panic. His mercies are new EVERY morning and He'll provide each day as it comes. He said to ask for daily bread. Not future bread. Walk daily in trust. Knowing Him. Knowing His Word!

Emptied

On March 14, 2013 I had a horrifying and yet exhilarating experience. Ok, to be honest, the exhilarating part comes and goes and goes more than comes but it does bring hope in its wake when it does come.

I discovered that without a shadow of doubt, I am a wretch. I have not one good thing in me. I don't walk according to the spirit. I think more highly of myself than I ought. I have so much pride and desire to satisfy the flesh. I do not have one redeemable quality in me, my flesh.
When my flesh is offended, I parade around in my stench trying to solicit sympathy and pats on that back that tell me "you're right".

Ugh.

How... how can I be this old and have known God this long and not be so aware of what a mess I am? How?? I am a mess.
I have no fruit. Or maybe I do and I'm so lost in the tree I can't see the fruit. I have desires. Oh yes, I have desires but do I have one single desire that pleases my Creator? A desire that makes Him want to grant it to me?

So, on March 14th. I spent a few hours in my filth. My stench. The shreds of my pride, stirred by the breezes of this revelation, mockingly caressed my face as I sat; my mouth opening and closing like a fish. Like a dying person. Dying.

I was emptied. Emptied. Not one word did I have.

But I didn't feel hopeless. Nor did I feel abandoned. I just sat in it and waited.

Three things I knew without a shadow of a doubt:

1. I am loved
2. I am forgiven
3. God does not lie


Those three things I still know today.

But right now I am not sure of much more. I kind of feel like an idiot. I have no answers for myself let alone for anyone else.

But I do know Who does know all the answers to everything.

I am learning that just spending time with Him, no talking, no demanding, no trying to pray the right prayer, just time spent with Him is worth more than anything else to me. Because spending time with Him, is spending time with Love. With Mercy. With Forgiveness. With Kindness. With Peace. With Healing. With Redemption. With Him. Just Him.

Be Still. Know. He is God.

Still. Know. God.

So simple. And yet, so difficult.

I prefer this emptiness. An emptiness brought to me as a gift from my Lover. I want to love all His gifts. They sometimes come wrapped in joy and laughter and sunshine and sometimes His gifts come wrapped in tears, sorrow, suffering, covered in questions. I want my hands and heart open to accept, with gratitude every Gift He brings to me. Without question. Because His heart is in everything He gives me.

But I will question. And He will answer or not answer. But He will always love me. He will never abandon me.

And in time, I will learn to love every gift He brings me. Emptied, yet so full.

Our Love is Easy...

Hypster Music Player

Who will Comfort Me

Hypster Music Player

OBEDIENCE

So, it's been another Christmas. Christmas 2011. This Christmas, my heart was constantly on the verge of tears as I thought about Mary. Mary, so excited, yet so scared to welcome her first baby. She knew it would be a baby boy. There were no ultra sounds, but there was God. When she held Him, when she looked deep in those little dark pools of eyes which reflected not only His soul, but the soul of His Father, did her heart stir with not only joy, but a little fear at what lay ahead for both of them? Did she move through the early days; the cutting teeth, the rashes, the smiles, coos, giggles, with apprehension lacing her joy? She knew, but she didn't know fully. She understood, but not completely. This little boy who had her heart wrapped around His finger, was also the little boy who would engrave her name on His heart as He sacrificed Himself for Her, much in the same way she sacrificed herself for Him. But yet not in the same way at all. She was proud of her little guy. He grew up. He began to reveal Himself as time went on. She was so proud of Him when they went to the wedding of their friends who lived in Cana. The wine ran out; she instinctively (God directed) knew what to do. "Let me tell my Son, He'll take care of this". She was so proud. So sure. He chastised her a little, but allowed her to keep her dignity by honoring her request. He was a good Son, this boy of hers. When whispers and rumors swirled around her ears, she heard and her heart was pierced. She wanted to take this boy and run. Hide Him. Keep Him. But she knew He wasn't really hers to keep. Not hers to hide. But yet He was. And when she saw Him beaten. Her heart was ripped to shreds. When she saw Him on the cross, she didn't see what the crowds saw. They saw a man bleeding, tormented and dying. She saw her little baby boy with the dark eyes staring into hers. She heard the echoes of His first laugh. Heard His little voice call her Mama. She remembered when her kisses dried His tears, and watched as His tears, liquid kisses, promise to heal her heart, and dry her tears. It was all she could do to not run to the cross and try to get Him off. This was her son! Her baby! Leave Him alone! But she knew. Even deeper than her soul, she knew. He belonged to us all. If not for her obedience, maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did. She obeyed. Her heart was broken, but she obeyed. If He could obey, she could too. She did. He did. Oh, how He loves us, all.

Silence

During one Christmas season I woke up to the radio playing Silent Night. As I lay listening to it, I began to think about the word "silent". The day before I had just read Revelation 8:1 which says "When He opened the seventh seal there was silence in heaven for about half an hour"

Silence in Heaven must be deafening.

I thought about silence. I wondered, did heaven hold its breath in complete silence when the Great I Am, the Prince of Peace become the Lamb of God in form of a brand new baby boy?

Did Heaven hover? Did Heaven look in wonder?

I believe heaven was made known through the heavenly host singing to the shepherds, through the stars that blazed with light, through the sheep; through all creation itself as it recognized that the Creator just came through His created to live in His creation. How amazing is that? His tiny eyes opening and seeing a face so familiar and yet so unfamiliar...He saw her before she saw Him. He watched her being knit together in her mother's womb, before He was knit together in her womb.

God blows my mind.

I think heaven waited with bated breath for 33 years while its precious Own walked this earth doing and obeying the will of His Father.

In Matthew 26:53 when Jesus is arrested, He tells Peter, the disciple who cut off the guards ear, "do you think I cannot call on my Father and He will at once put at My disposal more than 12 legions of angels?" When He spoke those words I wonder if heaven was suddenly filled with the sound of infinite whispering as thousands of angels readied themselves, their wings twitching with anticipation and with a readiness to go at just a word from their Creator, God Almighty. Then settling back to silence as Jesus finished His statement; "But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way."

The obedient Lamb of God, determined to obey, sharing the vision of His Father to see scriptures fulfilled. Jesus was not the Lamb until He came to earth to fulfill prophecy. He then became the Lamb of God. The final sacrificial Lamb. YOUR salvation. Behold the Lamb.

Behold Him with silence. Be still for a moment this season, the eve of the day we celebrate His birth. And know.