Advice

Recently in a conversation with my son, he shared with me some disappointments he was experiencing and how frustrating it was not knowing exactly what God wanted of him and which direction he should go. My son is on the edge of turning 30 and like many of us when we arrive at a decade birthday after 20, we decide it's time to take inventory of our life so far. Most of us find the inventory is either non-existent, or severely depleted.
My son is disappointed with his life so far. He feels as though he's accomplished little to nothing, has no fruit to show for anything and feels more or less like a complete failure. He's also still single and feeling sadness that he hasn't found her yet.

I tried to encourage him, by telling him: "chin up!", "this won't last forever", and his personal favorite I'm sure, "Hey, you're only 30, you have your whole life ahead of you"!
But being his mom my words, though appreciated, weren't taken too seriously because moms always believe and see the best in their kids!

And so I wrote him a letter, not so much from his mom as from a fellow traveler. An often weary, confused traveler in a largely dark, dreary, dusty land. Here is that letter to my son:

Dear Tristan,

You will come into answers as you arrive at them. Not a moment before. God will grant you grace and give you the strength to keep going in spite of not fully understanding exactly which direction you should go.

The Old Testament is full of stories of men who never lived to see the fruit of their work. They obeyed God and many of them were killed for it. Moses never entered Canaan but could only view it from the top of a mountain(Hey, at least he was on a mountain top!). In spite of all his travels and putting up with those stubborn people for decades, he never reaped the fruit of his labor. All those prophets of old who prophesied of the coming of Christ, never lived to see their prophecies fulfilled.

I've been praying and crying for Elya (my daughter, his sister) for years... I've yet to have that prayer answered. She remains (willingly it seems) in bondage just as heavily now, as ever.

But along with all who've had their dreams shattered, hearts broken, and cried endless tears, I know deep down, I'm not here for myself. It's not about me. It's about being part of such a perfect Divine plan. About being an important piece of His puzzle that He alone holds the last piece to. So, if I never have anything more than fleeting moments of happiness on this earth, so be it. I choose not to be bitter, but to hold stubbornly onto His words, those words that promise me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the restoration of all the locusts have eaten. Those words that say His joy is my strength. I stand resolute in trust that He is love and that He does NOTHING apart from love because He can't separate Himself from Himself. He does nothing apart from kindness, justice, peace, restoration, or any of His characters. It would be impossible. So I hang onto that truth as well.

That doesn't mean there aren't days I cry bitter tears of loneliness, un-fulfillment and disappointment. I do. Many times. And I struggle with so much in my flesh. My weight, my age, my lack of achievements, my frustration with having the talent and love of singing and not getting to share it.

Doesn't matter how old someone gets, they still have dreams and desires.

It is getting easier to crawl back into that place of peace, of divine trust. But as long as I live in this body, there will always be a war in which I'm either actively engaged in, or I'm being granted a brief respite from before being launched back onto the front lines again. It will never, ever be 100 % peaceful. But I hope to learn; learn contentment no matter what, learn joy in the depths of disappointment.

I want to always be at peace and find perfect fulfillment in Christ my Redeemer.

I love you, you're not alone. We're pilgrims traveling through this weary land together, and some sweet day, we'll go Home.

Love,
Mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9mg-loKdac

Maranatha! Singers - When Heaven Is Locked In Silence(Psalm 13)

Release

Release. Let go. Leave it alone.

These are the words that have been cycling through my heart and mind for a long time. When it comes to most anything, I don't know how to let go and then leave it alone. Most of all when it comes to my children. I have been a frenzied mess of "what do I do?" "how do I do it?" and "how will I know when to or when not to do it?" and most of all, "I'm sure I can help if I just keep doing something". But God is saying over and over again; "NO". "Leave it alone"! and of course, always, "TRUST ME".

This journey with my drug addicted child has led me deeper into the unknown than I've ever been. It's even hard to say that, "my drug addicted child". I keep thinking I'm talking about someone else's child. Not mine. I've had, am still having a hard time accepting that she is an addict. Not Hannah. Not my curly haired, blue eyed, chubby, happy baby girl. I keep thinking it's a passing phase. I remind myself of my dad as he struggled with acknowledging my mom had Alzheimer's. When she'd wander off and get lost, he'd just sit at the computer and say "well, let her get lost, maybe it will teach her a lesson". That was so absurd to me that he didn't get that she had a disease! There were no lessons for her to learn, she needed help. And yet here I am, just as much in denial as he was. I have a drug addicted daughter. God has a drug addicted daughter. I also struggle with the fact that there is not a single thing I can do about it. I can't spank it out of her. Give her time outs until she learns. Ground her. Nothing. I have to leave her alone and let God take care of this.

The struggle to let go is a tremendous one. It's a daily struggle.

Hannah is in detox right now and she's been calling me every evening. Last night when she called, I talked to her about a home I found where she can go and continue recovery. I explained to her that they even provide shuttle service between the home and the outpatient clinic where she'll continue her treatment. She said she didn't need a shuttle, she has a car. In spite of feeling a check in my spirit, I told her I didn't think she should have her car for awhile. This was something that had been suggested to me by others, and it made perfect sense to me. No car, no temptation to leave or find drugs, right? Wrong. She was livid. She insisted that she will have her car and that I can't take the one thing she has away from her. After a heated discussion, I told her I was done. If she isn't willing to follow what I suggest, I'm done. I later apologized for that statement and we hung up with our usual "I love you". But afterward I knew I was wrong. I was trying to control the situation and putting my faith and trust in what I thought, rather than in God. God is God. If He doesn't want her to have her car, He will take care of that. Thinking that a car will determine her ability to keep sober or help God as He's helping her, is small thinking. And it's me trying to help, again. I repented of this, repeatedly. I understand that Hannah needs that car as it is the only thing she does have in the physical realm that is hers. She has never had her own home. She has always lived with people, living out of her suitcase for years. That car to her, is home.

And so I leave it alone. Again. And while I'm at it, I'm going to leave me alone too. As I remain suspended in limbo before Him to do with as He wills, He is free to do exactly that. As He wills. To carry out His will. In my life. In Hannah's life. In Elya's life.

"The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20

I'll screw this up again. I know I will because I'm still bound by this flesh which is always at war with the spirit. But... the recognition that I'm not right, comes much quicker. The words of repentance come quickly and the resolve to leave this in the hands of God and get out of the way, happens much faster. And that, to me, is progress. It's the journey to perfection that I'm on. Not perfect, but pressing on toward the goal. As Paul says so well:
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..... Only let us live up to what we have already attained". (Philippians 3:7-16)

But I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. And His faithfulness is great.

"The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy. The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." - Psalm 145:8&9.

So, today I release Hannah to God. Knowing she is His and He loves her even more than I do. Another thing I'm certain of, God is faithful. He who began this good work in Hannah will complete it in her. And funny, He doesn't add, "with Lonna's help, I will complete this work in Hannah". Not even a tiny little bit.

STRUGGLE

The word of God tells us that there is a struggle between flesh and spirit and I think until I die, this struggle will be apparent in some form to some degree because the enemy of my soul is always on the prowl (1 Peter 5:8). But I don't have to wail about it, to dwell on it, beat myself up over it or even talk about it. Last night as I was listening to someone speak, an inappropriate thought came into my head. I immediately asked God to forgive me and then I started into my usual tirade of beating myself up over it; "why do I think things like this? I'm so stupid, I'm an idiot!, I'm the worst Christian out there". And so on. But, this time I didn't get too far into my tirade before I thought; "it's the flesh. Leave it alone" and I was able to listen effectively again. I believe the tirade on myself that I engage in (without even thinking) is almost worse than the stray fleshly thought that meanders through from seemingly out of nowhere. When the inappropriate thoughts come, I need to recognize them, pray and move on. The enemy wants me to beat myself up. He loves it when he can distract me through my flesh. Knowing God and His word is key to NOT letting that happen. Knowing I am forgiven. Knowing that I am in a battle, knowing that I am loved, knowing that He has over come the world and is greater (John 16:33). I need to trust in Him and believe that He has already won the battle... because He has.

Learning to live in the moment. Learning, while on a life long journey to complete trust! Trust. Grace is given for this moment, this hour, this day. Trying to figure out the future will naturally lead to fear, worry and even panic. His mercies are new EVERY morning and He'll provide each day as it comes. He said to ask for daily bread. Not future bread. Walk daily in trust. Knowing Him. Knowing His Word!