Pain

I struggle with upper back pain. It's a common ailment among those of us who tend to carry our stresses there. Yesterday afternoon, without warning the pain became quite excruciating.
I need to get a massage, but finances aren't so liberal anymore so I beg back rubs from my husband and use a Thera Cane as well as electric back massager. Normally all these techniques help but not last night. I was dreading going to bed because I knew sleep would be rough. Not sleeping through the night has been added to the increasing list of changes that are happening "because I'm getting older". Quite an adventure!

I fell asleep but sure enough, woke up about 2:00 AM, in pain. I wanted to cry but instead began to pray. I told God I know He is the healer, one of His names is Jehovah Rapha; the God that heals. So I appealed to His healing character.  As I wrestled with trying to pray while in pain I asked Him if there is a good reason for me to be in pain, could He please show me, if not, could He please heal me? He replied twice. He first asked if I believed He could heal me? I wanted to shout YES but I whispered it out loud so as not to scare my sleeping husband. Then the Lord asked me "Do you trust Me?"  Again, my response was quick and whispered; YES! I'm thinking I passed all the questions.. I'm on the fast track to a miracle now.  And then He asked me a third question. Really? Another question? But this one was unexpected. "If I don't heal you will you worship me from your pain?"  That question distracted me so much I forgot my pain for a moment. But I answered, "of course I will worship you." I immediately thought of Job 13:15 "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him; yet I will argue my ways to His face." Fortunately I forgot the 2nd half of that verse but I did quote the first half to Him. Though You slay me, I will hope in You. And then, I did go on to argue a bit with Him. I finally settled for a compromise; "do what You will, if You let me get some sleep, I will proclaim my love for You every time pain shoots through my back". He did grant me sleep and some relief and I did worship Him every time the pain shot through me. It did remind me of a game of Uncle... twist until you cry uncle. Hurt until you praise Me. But it wasn't.  It was and is a time of learning.

My Sacred Yes

There is a lot of guilt attached to the word "no". We are taught early on; "no, thank you" and "Yes, please".  But from early on the no is no good. No... candy. No... staying up late. No.... extra cookie. And if you're naughty... "no dessert" or whatever it is you want. There's conditions to the Yes. Yes, you may.. but first you have to do.... or else it's no. Crazy, isn't it?

When I was 12, I spent the weekend at the house of a couple who were major monetary supporters of my mom and I. We were home on furlough for one year and we spent much of that year visiting our supporters and friends. The husband unit of this couple wanted me to sit on his lap and his wife backed him up. "Go on, honey, sit on Uncle Ron's lap". Honestly? I was 12.. far beyond sitting on anyone's lap. But I did. And it was horribly uncomfortable. He had ill intentions.  When I got home, my mom says, "Aunt Lora said you were horrible to Uncle Ron and were rude to him". She didn't hear my explanation and so I was whipped for that "no". It wasn't the only "no" I was punished for. 

My "yes" was much easier to give out. It made me popular with the "important" kids. "Yes, you can have my brownie". "Yes, you can borrow my money... ". It made me popular with boys  "Yes, I'll kiss you". "Yes, I'll sleep with you". It made me popular at church; "Yes, I'll work in the nursery, every Sunday". "Yes, I'll teach Royal Rangers ( since no man would step up the position)". It made my husband happy; "Yes, I'll do whatever you want at whatever it cost me". It made me a popular mom. (One of my "yeses" led to my son being jailed... a whole story in itself.. also a great testimony to God's mercy). 

I tied my self-worth to my yes. I threw my yes out there like a lasso... hoping it would capture and rope in some self worth, some popularity, some acceptance.  And then I spent the rest of the time being beaten down by the the very yeses I thought would make my life better. 

And at the end... when I'm bullied, abused, molested, abandoned, a single mom, a married mom, a divorced mom... a tired woman. Neither my yes or my no seemed to matter. 

 I'm learning that it's ok to say "yes". Because there is a sacred yes. There is valuable yes. It's learning to say Yes to Him first, the One who will protect my yes, He, Who does have my best interest at heart. I'm learning to let go of the guilt of the no. The fear of what the no will do to me and my self worth. The lie attached to the no.  I'm even learning there is a sacred No. Because saying a sacred Yes, is also saying a sacred No. 

In the end, my yes is safe because it's not mine to give, it's His.

                                                             

This was inspired by my journey through "Your Sacred Yes" by Susie Larson. 

~Lonna