There is a lot of guilt attached to the word "no". We are taught early on; "no, thank you" and "Yes, please". But from early on the no is no good. No... candy. No... staying up late. No.... extra cookie. And if you're naughty... "no dessert" or whatever it is you want. There's conditions to the Yes. Yes, you may.. but first you have to do.... or else it's no. Crazy, isn't it?
When I was 12, I spent the weekend at the house of a couple who were major monetary supporters of my mom and I. We were home on furlough for one year and we spent much of that year visiting our supporters and friends. The husband unit of this couple wanted me to sit on his lap and his wife backed him up. "Go on, honey, sit on Uncle Ron's lap". Honestly? I was 12.. far beyond sitting on anyone's lap. But I did. And it was horribly uncomfortable. He had ill intentions. When I got home, my mom says, "Aunt Lora said you were horrible to Uncle Ron and were rude to him". She didn't hear my explanation and so I was whipped for that "no". It wasn't the only "no" I was punished for.
My "yes" was much easier to give out. It made me popular with the "important" kids. "Yes, you can have my brownie". "Yes, you can borrow my money... ". It made me popular with boys "Yes, I'll kiss you". "Yes, I'll sleep with you". It made me popular at church; "Yes, I'll work in the nursery, every Sunday". "Yes, I'll teach Royal Rangers ( since no man would step up the position)". It made my husband happy; "Yes, I'll do whatever you want at whatever it cost me". It made me a popular mom. (One of my "yeses" led to my son being jailed... a whole story in itself.. also a great testimony to God's mercy).
I tied my self-worth to my yes. I threw my yes out there like a lasso... hoping it would capture and rope in some self worth, some popularity, some acceptance. And then I spent the rest of the time being beaten down by the the very yeses I thought would make my life better.
And at the end... when I'm bullied, abused, molested, abandoned, a single mom, a married mom, a divorced mom... a tired woman. Neither my yes or my no seemed to matter.
I'm learning that it's ok to say "yes". Because there is a sacred yes. There is valuable yes. It's learning to say Yes to Him first, the One who will protect my yes, He, Who does have my best interest at heart. I'm learning to let go of the guilt of the no. The fear of what the no will do to me and my self worth. The lie attached to the no. I'm even learning there is a sacred No. Because saying a sacred Yes, is also saying a sacred No.
In the end, my yes is safe because it's not mine to give, it's His.
This was inspired by my journey through "Your Sacred Yes" by Susie Larson.
~Lonna
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