Pain

I struggle with upper back pain. It's a common ailment among those of us who tend to carry our stresses there. Yesterday afternoon, without warning the pain became quite excruciating.
I need to get a massage, but finances aren't so liberal anymore so I beg back rubs from my husband and use a Thera Cane as well as electric back massager. Normally all these techniques help but not last night. I was dreading going to bed because I knew sleep would be rough. Not sleeping through the night has been added to the increasing list of changes that are happening "because I'm getting older". Quite an adventure!

I fell asleep but sure enough, woke up about 2:00 AM, in pain. I wanted to cry but instead began to pray. I told God I know He is the healer, one of His names is Jehovah Rapha; the God that heals. So I appealed to His healing character.  As I wrestled with trying to pray while in pain I asked Him if there is a good reason for me to be in pain, could He please show me, if not, could He please heal me? He replied twice. He first asked if I believed He could heal me? I wanted to shout YES but I whispered it out loud so as not to scare my sleeping husband. Then the Lord asked me "Do you trust Me?"  Again, my response was quick and whispered; YES! I'm thinking I passed all the questions.. I'm on the fast track to a miracle now.  And then He asked me a third question. Really? Another question? But this one was unexpected. "If I don't heal you will you worship me from your pain?"  That question distracted me so much I forgot my pain for a moment. But I answered, "of course I will worship you." I immediately thought of Job 13:15 "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him; yet I will argue my ways to His face." Fortunately I forgot the 2nd half of that verse but I did quote the first half to Him. Though You slay me, I will hope in You. And then, I did go on to argue a bit with Him. I finally settled for a compromise; "do what You will, if You let me get some sleep, I will proclaim my love for You every time pain shoots through my back". He did grant me sleep and some relief and I did worship Him every time the pain shot through me. It did remind me of a game of Uncle... twist until you cry uncle. Hurt until you praise Me. But it wasn't.  It was and is a time of learning.

My Sacred Yes

There is a lot of guilt attached to the word "no". We are taught early on; "no, thank you" and "Yes, please".  But from early on the no is no good. No... candy. No... staying up late. No.... extra cookie. And if you're naughty... "no dessert" or whatever it is you want. There's conditions to the Yes. Yes, you may.. but first you have to do.... or else it's no. Crazy, isn't it?

When I was 12, I spent the weekend at the house of a couple who were major monetary supporters of my mom and I. We were home on furlough for one year and we spent much of that year visiting our supporters and friends. The husband unit of this couple wanted me to sit on his lap and his wife backed him up. "Go on, honey, sit on Uncle Ron's lap". Honestly? I was 12.. far beyond sitting on anyone's lap. But I did. And it was horribly uncomfortable. He had ill intentions.  When I got home, my mom says, "Aunt Lora said you were horrible to Uncle Ron and were rude to him". She didn't hear my explanation and so I was whipped for that "no". It wasn't the only "no" I was punished for. 

My "yes" was much easier to give out. It made me popular with the "important" kids. "Yes, you can have my brownie". "Yes, you can borrow my money... ". It made me popular with boys  "Yes, I'll kiss you". "Yes, I'll sleep with you". It made me popular at church; "Yes, I'll work in the nursery, every Sunday". "Yes, I'll teach Royal Rangers ( since no man would step up the position)". It made my husband happy; "Yes, I'll do whatever you want at whatever it cost me". It made me a popular mom. (One of my "yeses" led to my son being jailed... a whole story in itself.. also a great testimony to God's mercy). 

I tied my self-worth to my yes. I threw my yes out there like a lasso... hoping it would capture and rope in some self worth, some popularity, some acceptance.  And then I spent the rest of the time being beaten down by the the very yeses I thought would make my life better. 

And at the end... when I'm bullied, abused, molested, abandoned, a single mom, a married mom, a divorced mom... a tired woman. Neither my yes or my no seemed to matter. 

 I'm learning that it's ok to say "yes". Because there is a sacred yes. There is valuable yes. It's learning to say Yes to Him first, the One who will protect my yes, He, Who does have my best interest at heart. I'm learning to let go of the guilt of the no. The fear of what the no will do to me and my self worth. The lie attached to the no.  I'm even learning there is a sacred No. Because saying a sacred Yes, is also saying a sacred No. 

In the end, my yes is safe because it's not mine to give, it's His.

                                                             

This was inspired by my journey through "Your Sacred Yes" by Susie Larson. 

~Lonna

2nd Best?

                                                                  

2^nd Best? Wrong Turn?

J-E-S-U-S was the first word I remember being able to spell. I've not known a day of not knowing who Christ is. But it took many years to learn how much He knew me and loved me. In fact, I'm still learning. 

The following is one story of how the truth of God changed a lie. 

Many moons ago when I was a young girl of 19, I gave birth to my first child; a little boy. While the event should have been full of joy, excitement and a little fear, it was almost all fear mixed with shame and a tiny bit of  joy. 

 The shame; I wasn’t married. The fear; I’d sinned terribly. The joy; I had my very own little person to love and who would love me (even though I didn't think I deserved the joy). 

 While pregnant with my son, a well meaning friend gave me these words to chew over:  “If you miss God’s best, you’ll have to settle for His 2^nd best”.  The person meant to be encouraging and to be honest, I was encouraged.  At least I was still in the club!

A week after the birth of my son, I developed a rather bad infection. I was lying on the examining table, full of fear and tears. I looked up at my mom who had driven me and the baby to the doctor, and asked her if she thought  this was God’s punishment for my sin? I was holding onto a tiny bit of hope that she would say no, but she affirmed it was. Another weight was added to my already heavy burden. 

So, this is how it was for me; living the 2^nd best plan for my life, being punished for my sins. All of them.

I  spent my life under this fail/punishment cloud, walking the tightrope of my failed attempts at goodness, never quite reaching the other side known as “God’s Best”, knowing at any moment I could, and probably would be flicked away like an annoying gnat.  It would be 13 years of an abusive marriage, 4 more children, a divorce, more shame and utter despair, before I found out the truth. 

I had been lied to. There is no 2^nd Best.

Nothing I do is a surprise to God, nothing catches Him off guard. Nothing I could do or not do would separate me from His love, from His grace, from His salvation, from His compassion. 

Nothing.

No being single

No baby without a daddy.

No horrible infection. 

No marriage

No divorce.

No abuse.

No shame.

No doing something wrong.

No making a mistake.

No wrong thought.

No sin. 

Nothing. 

The only thing I did was take some detours. Unplanned by me, known and made provision for by God. 

Ever taken a trip using your navigation? What happens when you take a wrong turn? She pauses a moment and then says “re-routing” and comes up with a new way to get to where you were going. May tack on a few minutes and take you through a scary part of town, but you’ll get there. 

So do you think the Creator is stymied when we take a wrong turn? Shocked that we left the route He was guiding us on? Nope. He re-routes us. It may take us through some places we would have avoided had we stayed with Him and not been distracted with a “better idea” or a “way someone told me about”.  But He stays with us. Every step of the way. And to be honest, what could be better than His presence? His companionship? And He won’t waste the detour, He’ll teach us, point out why this probably wasn’t the best way to go, but reassures us that it will be ok. He even points out some pretty things along this unplanned route. Because everything is beautiful with Him. Even our mistakes.  He’s with us all the time. We have His word;  He’s promised to never leave us or forsake us.

Psalm 139: 7-10: “Is there anyplace I can go to avoid Your Spirit? To be out of Your sight? If I ascend to heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in Sheol (the underworld of the dead and the personification of the evil it represents—yep, been there), You are there!  If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your Hand shall lead me, and Your right Hand shall hold me”. (parentheses and bold, mine).

He is at places we didn’t even know we were going to be at, ready to lead us and always holding us close to Himself with His right hand, which represents a position of closeness. 

                                                                      

It is this constant love, this constant friendship, this inescapable love He has for us that compels us to draw closer. To wait and listen. To trust in all that He is, all that He has been, and all that He will be. All of His promises are current  every moment of every day.

OH, and the sin I was being punished for?  I wasn’t. I never was. That was another lie.  There was only One punished for my sin and His forgiveness is always mine for the asking... and receiving. I always live in His mercy, hidden in the righteousness of Christ. 

There is only the Best. And it was mine all the time It is yours all the time. It is ours all the time.

If You Give Me a Picture to Hang

If you give me a picture to hang,

I’ll have to find a hammer. 

While looking for the hammer, I’ll find some old Mother’s Day Cards shoved in a drawer.

I spend 5 minutes remembering why I love my 5 children.And my husband. 

When I put the cards back, I’ll remember I was looking for my hammer. 

I spy my flower handled hammer peeking out from underneath a pile of journals!

I spend a half hour reading through the journals, marveling at the brilliance of my writing and wondering why I’m not a published author yet. 

I remember to grab the hammer. 

I need to find nails!

As I look through the paper clips on my desk  hoping to find a nail , I spot the name of a song I’d written down that I need to learn. 

That reminds me I’ve been meaning to look the song up on YouTube.

 

Sometime later, after I’ve learned how to teach my dog sign language, watched videos of Basset Hound Puppies, and caught up on all Jimmy Fallon's "Ew" skits, I remember I came here to listen to a song, which reminds me I was looking for a nail.

I’ll listen to the song later. 

I go out to the kitchen to check the junk drawer. I lay the hammer on the counter by a bag of apples I forgot to put away.  

I put the apples away and then remember I was going to wash the dishes.

 
 

 Running the water reminds me I have to go to the bathroom. 

After I use the bathroom. I walk back to the kitchen. 

I see the hammer and I remember I was looking for a nail. 

I walk to the garage to find a nail. 

On the way to the garage I have to walk through the laundry room. 

I remember I forgot to start the laundry! Hearing the water run in the washing machine reminds me I was going to do the dishes. 

 

I walk back to the kitchen

 When I walk into the kitchen I see the hammer and remember… nails.

I  walk back to the garage. 

 In the garage I'm distracted by some old Abercrombie and Fitch bags. I admire the male models on the bags and wonder at the strength. Of the bags that is. Those bags are strong! All bags should be this strong. 

 Strength… nails!

I find my husband’s tool boxes. I rummage through all sorts of weird stuff and don’t find any nails but do find some brown deck screws. They look sturdy, they’ll hold anything!

I go back into the house with my hammer and brown deck screws.

 I stand for a moment confused as to why I’m holding these items and then I remember;

I have a picture to hang!

But first I’ll have to remember where I put the picture…

The End

P.S. It did get hung.