Grief

December 4, 2013

There's no silence louder than the silence after the machines stop. Today at 1:10 pm, my dad was healed; finally and completely. Thank you for your prayers. My heart is completely shattered. My precious dad, what will I do without you?

December 5, 2013

"Great is Thy Faithfulness, O, God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.
As Thou hast been, Thou forever, will be."

December 6, 2013

I woke up to find this text from one of my darlings.

"Got my Christmas present.
I haven't been able to stop crying. I'm laying in bed looking for background photos of orchids, to remind me of grandpa, and all of the sudden the heartache went away and I knew he was in my room. I thought to myself, "we still have to get those tattoos grandpa." And I heard his voice in my head say "yes we do sweetheart." I felt warm from my head to my toes. He is here with me mom. With all of us. We just have to sit quietly and listen. You can feel his spirit. His warm loving soul. Now I can sleep peacefully knowing he is with me and you. He always will be. I love you so much mom. Good night."

Needless to say I'm a mess after that. But in a comforting, reassuring way. Thanking God that He is kind and He remembers us.

December 6, 2013

Sometimes 24 hours doesn't make a difference at all. Even 48 hours doesn't.

December 7, 2013

Grief; it feels as though something in me has been torn from me and it hurts so bad. While I wait for time to do what it does best, I want to be so aware during the wait. I want to lean into the raw pain and learn something. I'm not sure what I want to learn. But I know there is something there. I asked God why He hates divorce so much but lets us experience such a horrendous separation that leaves us raw, jagged, our pain blowing in the wind for all to see. In all His wisdom, He hasn't answered that question. Which in itself is an answer. And so by sheer faith and belief that God remembers and has compassion on me, I stand on the words of God Himself, through David:
"But I trust in your faithful love.
My heart is filled with joy because You will save me.
I will sing to the Lord.
He has been so good to me."

December 8, 2013

The Lucky Sad ~
"Blessed are those who mourn"

"Flash floods of tears,
torrents of them,
erode cruel canyons,
exposing long forgotten strata of life laid down in the peaceful decades: a badlands beauty. The same sun,
that decorates each day with colors from arroyos and mesas, also shows every old scar and cut of lament.
Weeping washes the wounds clean and leaves them to heal, which always takes an age or two.
No pain is ugly in past tense. Under The Mercy every hurt is a fossil link in the great chain of becoming.
Pick and shovel prayers often,
turn them up in valleys of death".
~Eugene Peterson

"Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted".
~Jesus Christ

December 9, 2013

I slept well for the first time last night. After an afternoon with friends and being able to talk and get some good spiritual input, and insight, I feel as though the grief is moving from my chest to my back. I can breathe a little better. Standing on sheer faith is easier said than done. But like a climber in a severe snow storm, I'm hanging on BY FAITH. And I will bless the Lord no matter what. With Job, I say "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
I also believe "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

My Redeemer lives.

Thank you all for your prayers, support and love.

December 10, 2013

On Sunday night, while out with friends, I ordered a glass of wine. I just needed one. Anyhoo, the young girl who took my order said "do you have some ID I can see"? I nearly cried. I told her she made my day. Her face turned red when as I showed her my ID I also told her I am 50. She was a little flustered, but pulled it together enough to tell me a few minutes later; "to be honest, you don't look 50 at all".

Bless the hearts of the kind and the honest.

Comfort during mourning can come in a variety of ways... being told you don't look old when you feel positively ancient is one of those ways.

December 11, 2013

The prophet Isaiah was given the following to share with us:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

As so often happens, the word of God ruminates in my mind and as I let that happen, I see more than the words, I begin to understand. If you've ever noticed, as you read and re-read the same words, they deliver a different message to your heart. Same words, no adding, no taking away, but your understanding is broadened.

I believe that we, as believers, are the living Word of God. We all possess within us the Word that waters, sows, and feeds ourselves and those around us. When God has accomplished what He purposed to do in and through us and when He succeeds in what He sent His word to do in and through us, we return to Him, not empty, but victorious.

My dad did not return to God empty. My dad had accomplished that which God had purposed and dad succeeded in the thing for which God had sent him. God's Word returned to Him in the form of my dad and all the things dad did that made a difference in lives around him and in eternity's eyes.

I love that death holds no sting and abounds in victory.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (Psalm 116:15)

My prayer for you today is that as you go out; living Words of God to the world around you, living Words of life to your fellow believers that
"you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."

December 12, 2013

In the process of this grief I have been reminded once again of the huge blessing God has given me in the form of my husband. As Rollie and I talked last night he shared how nearly every night for the last 7 years he and my dad shared at least 20 minutes of "man" time. Being the only 2 males in the house, they often commiserated (about females and hormones no doubt) behind closed doors as Rollie prepared dad for bed. They caught up on each other's day, made plans for what they wanted to build, talked about their favorite shows, etc. But dad lent a listening ear to Rollie's father heart as well, giving advice when asked, but mainly just listening in total understanding. My dad became Rollie's dad as well. I cried when Rollie shared that every night he would literally tuck dad into bed; arranging his foot on a pillow in order to prevent bed sores, and lastly, pulling the covers up evenly around dad making sure everything was snug and that dad was comfortable. They would tell each other good night and dad would always thank Rollie.

I love that my dad had a hand in shaping my husband into the man he is becoming. The gift of my dad goes on and on.

I don't deserve all this goodness in my life, but my heart is oh, so grateful.

"Grief will always be with you. It won't always be a blanket, but it will always be a thread running through your life" .
-Rollie

December 13, 2013

"Eternal God, unchanging,
Mysterious and unknown
Your boundless love unfailing
In grace and mercy shown.
Bright seraphim in ceaseless flight
Around Your glorious throne
Their voices raised both day and night
In praise to You alone

Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!"

December 14, 2013

So grateful for the beautiful distractions in the midst of all my sadness. This afternoon our local movie theater, The Pix, showed "It's a Wonderful Life". It was free to the public. We took our granddaughter and Mollie to see it. It was Gabby's first time to see it and she really enjoyed it, as did we. It was so nice to watch human kindness and selfless giving take place on the big screen. It reminded me how wonderful life really is. In spite of all the hardships, the losses, the sadness we experience from time to time, all in all, it's a wonderful life and I choose to live it with the gratitude my dad did and with a thankful heart for all the goodness and mercy God has provided along the journey. Thank you, Albany for the small town feel you provide us during this holiday season. And thank you, Marcia for telling us about the movie!

December 15, 2013

It was an incredibly rough day. Lots of firsts. Thankful for my closet and sink desperate cries for strength that are heard by God. So thankful for His compassions. One breath at a time.

December 16, 2013

I was tired when I posted last night. So tired that as I read my post this morning, I realized I didn't use enough punctuation.

I have a walk in closet with a door. It's the quietest room in my house and God and I have spent many tear filled, minutes in there. Other times, it's at my sink when I'm brushing my teeth that the tears flow and tooth paste laced pleas for help are blubbered out. Only God can understand them. He's the only One who needs to understand them.

There are many sides to my grief right now. I've lost my dad, who was my anchor. He kept me grounded and could set my world aright with a word or 2.

My fear of abandonment has been brought back up and is staring at me, challenging me and my faith in the Word of God.

Loneliness and fear are along for this journey as well. Loneliness at the thought of having no one to talk to who can understand me like my dad did. Fear of everything; getting old, being lonely, getting sick, having no one to lean on and help me.

So today, I read James. He had these wise words for me:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves." (1: 1-8, Message Bible)

My faith life has been forced into the open. Many questions have arisen, that faith in God alone has been the answer to. I know what the word of God says and it's easy enough to quote and "believe" until it's challenged. Then it's grit your teeth and hang on for the ride sister. And I am hanging on. By faith, my dad is with the Lord. It's what God's word promises us. Now that dad's gone, I have only God's word to stand on. But I've never seen heaven, never been there, can't prove by sight that it's there and that dad is there. Faith believes in what it cannot see. Faith is CONFIDENCE in what I hope for, and ASSURANCE of what I do not see. Confidence in the word of God and assurance that God doesn't lie and His word is true and everlasting. And here's an amazing cycle; Faith comes by HEARING and HEARING by the Word of God. If I don't read and "hear" the Word, my faith will not be. I walk by faith, NOT by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

By faith I am not abandoned because God will never leave me or forsake me and will always be with me. Plus, He is a father to the fatherless. (Isaiah 41:10 and Psalm 68:5)

By faith I will never be lonely because again, God never leaves me. He promises that to me. He says He will be with me to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)

By faith I will not be afraid because perfect love casts out fear and He is perfect Love. And He has given me a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

By faith my mom and dad are with God, because to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ and precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (Philippians 1:23, 2 Corinthians 5:8, Psalm 116:15)

By faith, I will see my parents and other loved ones who are already in Heaven. (Matthew 22: 31-32, 1 Thessalonians 2: 19 & 20, 1 Corinthians 13:12).

By faith today, I fix my "eyes" on Jesus, look fully into His face and trust that He who began this work in me will complete it and He provided my parents to be with me as long as I needed them and He was always there providing for me even when they were here, and He will always be with me providing for my every need along the way even if I can't see it right now. Today I lean into whatever comes my way knowing that as James said, my faith shows its true colors when under pressure. I trust God to mature me and develop me through everything that comes my way no matter how uncomfortable, painful and unpleasant it may be at the time. God makes use of everything and He is always at work in me. And boy does He have His work cut out for Him!

It is a walk of and by faith. Until He calls me home to live with Him, I will never, ever walk alone. Oh, how He loves me. Tears, bruises, heart aches and doubt; He loves me unconditionally and forever.

December 18, 2013

One step. One day. One event. I am rebelling every step as though I can somehow bring him back if I just go very slow and put everything off. So far, it's not working and picking up his ashes yesterday was very unkind to my imagination.

They were in a box, then placed in a bag, a blue plastic bag with handles, and handed to me. "This? This is what my beautiful dad and all his brilliance has been reduced to? This small box? Weighty, but small. " And for a millisecond, I knew the answer was no. No it's not what he's been reduced to. It's the remains of what he no longer is in need of. It's like the bag they give you at the hospital to put your belongings in because you don't need them while you're there. He has no need for that body now.

The peace of that knowledge was ever so fleeting, but left in its wake a magnificent sense of well being and Truth. It has remained with me even now and even though I try to grasp that millisecond of "knowing", I can't. But what God left behind is bringing me so much comfort and hope.

Before I even got out of bed yesterday, I read this scripture from 1 Corinthians 2, " For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.". I cried when I read it because I really understood it. I think the fleeting moment at the funeral home was just a whisper, no a breath, from the thoughts of God. A breath so light, but it was all I needed.

Today I keep going. Always strengthened by Him. Always remembered by Him. Always breathed on by Him. May my awareness be heightened and my heart be always expecting. Yours too.

And I'm so thankful for a dear friend who left his job in Corvallis to be with me when I picked up the precious ashes of my dad and then took them with him to lovingly place them in the urn I chose. He even promised not to swear in front of dad! Ha ha. Dad was a Marine though, so nothing shocked him.

I'm grateful at the kindness of friends. So grateful.

December 21, 2013

Urns picked up, programs folded, memories glued, slide show completed, and I'm still not ready.
I thank you for your prayers today as we celebrate the life of my beautiful dad, Patrick Mulrooney.
"I'll let the memories keep you close to my heart until we meet again, dad. I'll love and miss you forever".

December 23, 2013

There could not have been a more fitting farewell for such a prince of a man. 3 men; 2 ministers and a good friend, conducted the service and it flowed so beautifully. There were beautiful tributes, tears, laughter and a few surprises. Gabby decided she wanted to say something for "Grandpa Pat". We didn't plan for this and as she took the stage, Paris turned to me and said "Oh, this is gonna be good". And it was. When she was done with her short, beautiful speech, she then said " I have a song to sing that I made up that I heard in a movie".... that's when I thought, "uh oh... get that kid off there!" But she sang a lovely little tune and just before she plunked the microphone down, she announced "that was from Rapunzel!". It was awesome, and dad would have LOVED it!

Yesterday, Rollie and I finally pulled it together and did some Christmas shopping. It was sweet because we have bonded even more through this and cherish every moment we have together. Sad at times as I found myself more than once, looking for something for my dad, or thinking "dad would like that!" then remembering he wasn't here to open anything. (Another sweet side note: We stopped for dinner afterward and the restaurant wouldn't let us pay. I nearly cried at the kindness.) This broken road has had petals of kindness sprinkled all through out it. Thank you, God. .

I think considering dad before I do anything will linger with me for awhile. It was such a way of life for us for 7 beautiful years. Every time I leave the house, he crosses my mind; "is he ok? did he take his pills? Will the girls remember to check on him?" Almost as quickly I remember, he is in the most capable Hands ever and will never need or want for anything again.

And we walk on. Limping a little. We lost such a huge part of us. But in a way, we walk on stronger. Stronger because our faith has strengthened us.

Our work on this earth is not over. Our assignment is still before us. I don't doubt the pain of grief will hit me like an unexpected punch in the stomach frequently,( hopefully growing less frequent) but I also know my Heavenly Father will be right there to guide me through it and help me stand a little taller.

I pray my life will honor my parents, honor my God and count for something in the end.

Thank you to every one of you for being with me every step of this way. Thank you for your prayers, your visits, your flowers, your tears, your stories, your hugs, your cards, your words of encouragement. Thank you.

Graduation

My beloved dad, Patrick, died on December 4, 2013. I was on my way to pick him up from the hospital to bring him home when I received word that he had coded.

It was sunny and cold. It was 10:45 in the morning, I was talking to my husband on the phone with the phone sitting in the cup holder. I was letting him know I was on my way to pick up dad and that we were having cod and fresh broccoli for dinner. Dad loved fish and fresh vegetables.

There was a momentary sound of silence during the conversation which indicated a text message. I looked at it and it was from Chris, dad's caregiver. It said "Your dad coded, please hurry". Instantly I couldn't breathe and my chest was burning. I was afraid I wouldn't make it as the traffic was so slow. I told my husband "oh my goodness... I can't breathe... just got a text saying dad coded... talk to me please... oh God.."

I was shaking so badly. But I managed to get to the hospital. My legs were so shaky but I forced myself to walk normally, not run.

When I arrived in his room; room 204, the place was a frenzied mess. He had about 10- 15 people in his room. They wouldn't let me in, but I could see them frantically working on him. They were using paddles to try to get a stable heart beat and in between were taking turns doing CPR on him. Shannon, the respiratory therapist, stood at dad's head manually pumping air into him every 5 seconds or so.

Chris, dad's caregiver was standing in the hall, crying. I wanted to go into dad, but a member of the staff wouldn't let me. She kept saying "you don't want to remember him this way". Who was she kidding? I wanted my dad to know I was there, that he wasn't alone, that I loved him. Who cared what he looked like? Certainly not me.

At one point, Dr. Ralalsky came out of dad's room to talk to me. My husband Rollie had arrived at this time. He told both of us that he suspected a clot. He wanted to administer a "clot buster" to dad. He explained that because dad had compromised blood flow and therefore not much oxygen for nearly an hour, that if dad did come out of this, chances were he would have some brain damage. He asked us if we thought dad would want to live with brain damage. In disbelief, I replied "You know my dad. He has a master's degree in psychology. He's brilliant. All he has is his beautiful mind. Do YOU think he would want to live with brain damage"? He shook his head; we all knew that would be so wrong.

At about 11:30, they finally let me come into the room. They also let Rollie follow me into the room, although I wasn't aware of it. I walked to the bed where they were still working on him and said loudly and clearly, "dad!". He instantly opened his eyes, which drew murmurs. He looked at me and I said, "I love you, dad. I'm here". He nodded his head. I could see a little fear in his eyes.

Every scripture I knew had flown far away, leaving me feeling empty and useless. So I did the only thing I could remember to do, I sang. I sang the only song that came to my head, "Jesus Loves Me". As I sang to him,and stroked his brow, he closed his eyes. His features relaxed. I learned later that as I sang to him, his heart rate began to steady, his blood pressure came up, he "rallied" as the doctor would describe it later. I also learned that there wasn't a dry eye in that room. Everyone was quiet because they were all crying.

After I sang to him, I asked him if he wanted to stay with me, he nodded yes. I asked him if he wanted them to keep working on him, again, he nodded yes, as emphatically as he could. I told him he had to help. I then sang "Amazing Grace" to him. A song so fitting for him as he so often shared with me that he didn't understand why or how God loved him and had thought enough of him to save him, but he was so grateful and so amazed by God. After I sang to him the 2nd time, I bent close to his ear and prayed. I acknowledged God as our Creator, I thanked him for dad's life. I can't remember everything I said, but I do know I worshiped and acknowledged God as God. Rollie had his hand on my back the whole time.

Shortly after the prayer, the doctor said it was a good time to move dad to CCU and let machines take over for Shannon, the young man who had manually been giving dad air for over an hour and a half. I was allowed to hold his hand every step of the way except when we went through the door. Even with coordination, it resembled the 3 stooges when all three would try to get through a door at once.

As we walked I held dad's hand and told him what we were doing. I know I was so full of hope and at this point thinking I would be bringing him home. Dad seemed to still be with us at this point. In my hope, I don't think I saw the truth of the situation, that he wasn't going to make it this time.

When we got to CCU, the hospital chaplain (who had been with us since before we switched rooms) let me know other family had arrived. I left dad for a moment while they got transferred him to the bed and got him hooked up on monitors and air. I went to the waiting room where a few friends and dad's brother had gathered. I let them know what I knew, but again, I don't recall a lot of the conversation. I know a friend went to pick up Mollie. Paris was there already. I didn't want to be away from dad at all so I went back to his room where I took up my hand holding with him.

Soon, they asked if other family could come in. I remember being concerned because CCU has rules; only 2 visitors at a time, but they didn't seem to be concerned and set up chairs for people to sit. That should have also been a clue, but it wasn't. I just kept holding his hand and stroking his head. Thinking that he was just resting.

All the time I stood with him, my back was to the monitors. But my husband could see them. He said he watched my dad's heart beat slower and slower; going from 60 to 40, then 20 and even to 0 a couple times. I am so glad I never saw that. I remained the optimistic Miss Sunshine. I think I thought that all the love I had in my heart for him would keep him with me.

Finally the doctor suggested turning off the annoying beeping sounds. I agreed, thinking it would be more peaceful. He suggested taking the breathing tube out of dad's mouth. I agreed to that as well, thinking dad would be more comfortable.

Is love capable of that much denial? He couldn't comfortably breathe without his bi-pap for any real length of time and here I was thinking he'd be more comfortable without the oxygen/breathing tube?

There was some blood on his mouth where a sore had opened back up. I asked for a wash cloth. I got it wet with warm water and the thought crossed my mind "it's like getting the body ready for burial". I didn't realize that by this time, dad had already left his body and was being greeted by a happy Heavenly family. I carefully washed his face, remembering how much he loved to have his face washed when he was in the hospital.

Eventually I knew he was gone. The doctor called his time of death at 1:10 PM even though I think it was probably before that.

I was crushed. Shattered. Heart broken. Lost. Confused. In denial.

I held his hand for over an hour as we waited for family to come say goodbye. All my children, except for my son, were with me. Rollie faithfully by my side. My tower of strength, provided for me by God. My sister Bel and her husband came.

Before we left, we all joined hands to pray; my husband, our girls, Bel, Bobbie and me still holding dad's hand. We thanked God for dad. The kids prayed and made promises and recounted memories to their precious grandpa.

It was the hardest thing to do, gathering up his belongings and not him. Taking his things but leaving him. It made me mad. And I cried saying "this isn't right. I want to take HIM home".

I have never felt such grief. Such a tearing. I felt like part of me was in shreds. I felt like a bleeding, broken mess. I didn't know how I was even going to begin to heal. Dad had been the patriarch, the center force in our home for 7 years. He was our counselor, our centering. And our world had just been shaken to the core.

The next steps taken the next few days were shaky steps. Scary steps. Steps that challenged my faith, even seemed to mock my faith. Serious questions were asked by my heart. Serious answers were given to me by God.

The writings that follow are taken from my postings on Facebook. They are all posted under the heading "Grief".

Submission

Lying awake at 4:45 one morning (seems to be the best time for God to talk to my heart... my mouth is shut. :) ) I was thinking about marriage, submissiveness and the daily work involved in a marriage. The thought came to me that being submissive is empowering. Being submissive, or having a submissive heart allows God to work in me, forming Christ's character in me. A submissive heart prepares me to be that vessel through which God can move and it also allows Him to be strong. A submissive heart is empowering because it is an act of obedience. God loves obedience. He desires it more than sacrifice. ( 1 Samuel 15:22) Obedience is something I can do to express my love to Him and for Him.

When I submit to my husband, I am submitting to Christ as my husband submits to God. Together we both submit; I to him, him to God, both to God, through the act of obedience. Obeying God allows Him to fulfill Himself in me because it lessens me and increases Him! (John 3:30) His power is perfected in my weakness. Because when I am weak, I am strong. He is my strength.(2 Cor. 12:9)

In marriage, it is important to "do to others what you would have them do to you, Matthew 7:12). This does not mean you buy your husband stuff so he buys you stuff, But it is being kind and doing what you know rocks his world. Stepping out of your comfort zone even. In turn he will hopefully be following the same principle and seek to do what rocks your world! If he's a little slow, hang in there, trust God, do it UNTO God. Your heart will be blessed.

Be careful with your words; keep the gate (mouth) shut and set up check points on the road from mind/heart to mouth, with the Holy Spirit as the guard. If the thought passes all inspections (kind, true, lovely, good report, etc) open the gate and let the worlds out being mindful that the road is one way. It's impossible for those words to ever come back in. Come at an issue repeatedly if you must, but come with an open heart prepared to listen and to really hear him.

Keeping my heart open to God is great preparation to keeping it primed to hear and listen to my husband.

Advice

Recently in a conversation with my son, he shared with me some disappointments he was experiencing and how frustrating it was not knowing exactly what God wanted of him and which direction he should go. My son is on the edge of turning 30 and like many of us when we arrive at a decade birthday after 20, we decide it's time to take inventory of our life so far. Most of us find the inventory is either non-existent, or severely depleted.
My son is disappointed with his life so far. He feels as though he's accomplished little to nothing, has no fruit to show for anything and feels more or less like a complete failure. He's also still single and feeling sadness that he hasn't found her yet.

I tried to encourage him, by telling him: "chin up!", "this won't last forever", and his personal favorite I'm sure, "Hey, you're only 30, you have your whole life ahead of you"!
But being his mom my words, though appreciated, weren't taken too seriously because moms always believe and see the best in their kids!

And so I wrote him a letter, not so much from his mom as from a fellow traveler. An often weary, confused traveler in a largely dark, dreary, dusty land. Here is that letter to my son:

Dear Tristan,

You will come into answers as you arrive at them. Not a moment before. God will grant you grace and give you the strength to keep going in spite of not fully understanding exactly which direction you should go.

The Old Testament is full of stories of men who never lived to see the fruit of their work. They obeyed God and many of them were killed for it. Moses never entered Canaan but could only view it from the top of a mountain(Hey, at least he was on a mountain top!). In spite of all his travels and putting up with those stubborn people for decades, he never reaped the fruit of his labor. All those prophets of old who prophesied of the coming of Christ, never lived to see their prophecies fulfilled.

I've been praying and crying for Elya (my daughter, his sister) for years... I've yet to have that prayer answered. She remains (willingly it seems) in bondage just as heavily now, as ever.

But along with all who've had their dreams shattered, hearts broken, and cried endless tears, I know deep down, I'm not here for myself. It's not about me. It's about being part of such a perfect Divine plan. About being an important piece of His puzzle that He alone holds the last piece to. So, if I never have anything more than fleeting moments of happiness on this earth, so be it. I choose not to be bitter, but to hold stubbornly onto His words, those words that promise me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the restoration of all the locusts have eaten. Those words that say His joy is my strength. I stand resolute in trust that He is love and that He does NOTHING apart from love because He can't separate Himself from Himself. He does nothing apart from kindness, justice, peace, restoration, or any of His characters. It would be impossible. So I hang onto that truth as well.

That doesn't mean there aren't days I cry bitter tears of loneliness, un-fulfillment and disappointment. I do. Many times. And I struggle with so much in my flesh. My weight, my age, my lack of achievements, my frustration with having the talent and love of singing and not getting to share it.

Doesn't matter how old someone gets, they still have dreams and desires.

It is getting easier to crawl back into that place of peace, of divine trust. But as long as I live in this body, there will always be a war in which I'm either actively engaged in, or I'm being granted a brief respite from before being launched back onto the front lines again. It will never, ever be 100 % peaceful. But I hope to learn; learn contentment no matter what, learn joy in the depths of disappointment.

I want to always be at peace and find perfect fulfillment in Christ my Redeemer.

I love you, you're not alone. We're pilgrims traveling through this weary land together, and some sweet day, we'll go Home.

Love,
Mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9mg-loKdac

Maranatha! Singers - When Heaven Is Locked In Silence(Psalm 13)

Release

Release. Let go. Leave it alone.

These are the words that have been cycling through my heart and mind for a long time. When it comes to most anything, I don't know how to let go and then leave it alone. Most of all when it comes to my children. I have been a frenzied mess of "what do I do?" "how do I do it?" and "how will I know when to or when not to do it?" and most of all, "I'm sure I can help if I just keep doing something". But God is saying over and over again; "NO". "Leave it alone"! and of course, always, "TRUST ME".

This journey with my drug addicted child has led me deeper into the unknown than I've ever been. It's even hard to say that, "my drug addicted child". I keep thinking I'm talking about someone else's child. Not mine. I've had, am still having a hard time accepting that she is an addict. Not Hannah. Not my curly haired, blue eyed, chubby, happy baby girl. I keep thinking it's a passing phase. I remind myself of my dad as he struggled with acknowledging my mom had Alzheimer's. When she'd wander off and get lost, he'd just sit at the computer and say "well, let her get lost, maybe it will teach her a lesson". That was so absurd to me that he didn't get that she had a disease! There were no lessons for her to learn, she needed help. And yet here I am, just as much in denial as he was. I have a drug addicted daughter. God has a drug addicted daughter. I also struggle with the fact that there is not a single thing I can do about it. I can't spank it out of her. Give her time outs until she learns. Ground her. Nothing. I have to leave her alone and let God take care of this.

The struggle to let go is a tremendous one. It's a daily struggle.

Hannah is in detox right now and she's been calling me every evening. Last night when she called, I talked to her about a home I found where she can go and continue recovery. I explained to her that they even provide shuttle service between the home and the outpatient clinic where she'll continue her treatment. She said she didn't need a shuttle, she has a car. In spite of feeling a check in my spirit, I told her I didn't think she should have her car for awhile. This was something that had been suggested to me by others, and it made perfect sense to me. No car, no temptation to leave or find drugs, right? Wrong. She was livid. She insisted that she will have her car and that I can't take the one thing she has away from her. After a heated discussion, I told her I was done. If she isn't willing to follow what I suggest, I'm done. I later apologized for that statement and we hung up with our usual "I love you". But afterward I knew I was wrong. I was trying to control the situation and putting my faith and trust in what I thought, rather than in God. God is God. If He doesn't want her to have her car, He will take care of that. Thinking that a car will determine her ability to keep sober or help God as He's helping her, is small thinking. And it's me trying to help, again. I repented of this, repeatedly. I understand that Hannah needs that car as it is the only thing she does have in the physical realm that is hers. She has never had her own home. She has always lived with people, living out of her suitcase for years. That car to her, is home.

And so I leave it alone. Again. And while I'm at it, I'm going to leave me alone too. As I remain suspended in limbo before Him to do with as He wills, He is free to do exactly that. As He wills. To carry out His will. In my life. In Hannah's life. In Elya's life.

"The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20

I'll screw this up again. I know I will because I'm still bound by this flesh which is always at war with the spirit. But... the recognition that I'm not right, comes much quicker. The words of repentance come quickly and the resolve to leave this in the hands of God and get out of the way, happens much faster. And that, to me, is progress. It's the journey to perfection that I'm on. Not perfect, but pressing on toward the goal. As Paul says so well:
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..... Only let us live up to what we have already attained". (Philippians 3:7-16)

But I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. And His faithfulness is great.

"The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy. The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." - Psalm 145:8&9.

So, today I release Hannah to God. Knowing she is His and He loves her even more than I do. Another thing I'm certain of, God is faithful. He who began this good work in Hannah will complete it in her. And funny, He doesn't add, "with Lonna's help, I will complete this work in Hannah". Not even a tiny little bit.

STRUGGLE

The word of God tells us that there is a struggle between flesh and spirit and I think until I die, this struggle will be apparent in some form to some degree because the enemy of my soul is always on the prowl (1 Peter 5:8). But I don't have to wail about it, to dwell on it, beat myself up over it or even talk about it. Last night as I was listening to someone speak, an inappropriate thought came into my head. I immediately asked God to forgive me and then I started into my usual tirade of beating myself up over it; "why do I think things like this? I'm so stupid, I'm an idiot!, I'm the worst Christian out there". And so on. But, this time I didn't get too far into my tirade before I thought; "it's the flesh. Leave it alone" and I was able to listen effectively again. I believe the tirade on myself that I engage in (without even thinking) is almost worse than the stray fleshly thought that meanders through from seemingly out of nowhere. When the inappropriate thoughts come, I need to recognize them, pray and move on. The enemy wants me to beat myself up. He loves it when he can distract me through my flesh. Knowing God and His word is key to NOT letting that happen. Knowing I am forgiven. Knowing that I am in a battle, knowing that I am loved, knowing that He has over come the world and is greater (John 16:33). I need to trust in Him and believe that He has already won the battle... because He has.

Learning to live in the moment. Learning, while on a life long journey to complete trust! Trust. Grace is given for this moment, this hour, this day. Trying to figure out the future will naturally lead to fear, worry and even panic. His mercies are new EVERY morning and He'll provide each day as it comes. He said to ask for daily bread. Not future bread. Walk daily in trust. Knowing Him. Knowing His Word!